Buddhism is definitely not the trendiest of Hollywood religions. Scientology has evil alien overlords, Kabbalah has trendy red-string bracelets and Buddhism has a renouncement of material things and peace and love for all living creatures. It doesn't seem to fit.

So you would assume that the celebrities that are followers of Buddha would actually be less inclined to be batshit insane. You would be wrong.

For you heathens out there here's a quick primer on Nirvana. It is a place(or feeling) of total enlightenment. For Buddhists it means that they won't have to undergo reincarnation anymore and instead become one with the universe.

#5 Richard Gere

Golden globe winner and famous for making Julia Roberts famous, Richard Gere is also a well known Buddhist. He regularly campaigns for a free Tibet and respect for all religions.

So, why won't he be reaching Nirvana?

Well first off there's a minor fact that Richard Gere got a divorce from a piece of heaven on earth, Cindy Crawford.

And not Cindy Crawford when she's 40 (and still extremely hot). He split from Cindy Crawford when she was 29 and doing Pepsi commercials that caused more kids' early puberty than any growth hormone has ever done.

But the karmic interview board will probably let that one slide since Gere did end up marrying a bond girl.

The real tragedy is the rumors that plagued Gere during the 80's and 90's about a certain incident that never actually happened.

Gere and a male "friend" were engaged in some friendly anal penetration. But it got boring and they decided to spice things up by adding an empty toilet paper role and a gerbil. The gerbil gets "stuck" in a dark, warm and scary place on (or rather, in) either Richard's or his friend's ass. 

The other partner gets a lighter to try and coax the rodent out and ends up lighting some ass gas which sends out a gerbil bullet that gives the guy with the lighter a concussion and facial burns while the other participant has his ass in flames.

While the rumor is completely, 100% untrue, it still creeps up in conversation (and comedy articles) to this day.

And I imagine that even the all seeing eye of the universe would be leery of letting Richard into the ecstasy of Nirvana right now. 

Likely to be reincarnated as: A gerbil.  We all pay for our sins, real or rumored.


#4 Steven Segal

Yet another actor who was big in the 90's and is barely heard of now. Is it karma or just bad acting?

How he found Buddha: 

According to a prominent Buddhist Lama, Steven Seagal is the reincarnation of a Buddhist master known as Chungdrag Dorje.

I feel the need to illustrate this with some photos.


Why he won't be reaching Nirvana anytime soon:

I know that Chuck Norris could easily round kick my ass into the sun, but I don't expect him to become the next Pope. So I don't expect Mr. "Peace, Love and Respect for my Foot up Your Ass" Seagal to be reaching the divine path of happiness this time around.

I'm not even sure if Steven Seagal has even smiled in any of his movies. He usually has an expression that gives you the distinct impression that whomever he's looking at is about to become one with his fist.

Likely to be Reincarnated as: A fist you never see coming.


#3 Courtney Love

Courtney Love is probably more well known for being insane than being a musician. Many musicians find religion or drugs, Ms. Love, pioneer that she is, found both.

How she found Buddha:

Ms. Love claims she started down the Buddhist path when she was in her early 20's and that it helped her when she formed her band Hole. The influence of Buddhism is easy to see with titles from Hole's first album: Pretty on the Inside/Clouds, Star Belly and Teenage Whore.

Why she won't be reaching Nirvana anytime soon:

There is definitely some irony here, considering she was married to the lead singer of Nirvana and potentially lead to his and the band's downfall. It's like a Christian nailing Jesus to the Cross or an atheist punching Richard Dawkins in the balls, it's not going to endear you to your own brethren.

Courtney Love said after a 2005 rehab stint that she's now on her third attempt at Buddhism. It's like she treats Buddhism the same way she treats underwear, she finds it, uses it for a while and then loses it in the back seat of a car snorting a line off a backup vocalist's ass.

Likely to be Reincarnated as: Yoko Ono's great-grandaughter.


#2 Oliver Stone

Oliver Stone's back in the news because of his recent feel good movie about a child succeeding against all odds and brain cells to become President.

How he found Buddha:

Oliver Stone was born to a Jewish father and a Catholic mother who raised young Oliver as an Episcopalian which is not far off from my own life experience since my father was in the military and my mother was a teacher and I was raised by the Mario brothers. But back to Stone, he converted to Buddhism as an adult and like all those before him, he claims that his spirituality is embedded into his movies.

Open your eyes about the true Nirvana! Stone's not going there:
Violent movies, biased movies, just plain weird movies; do any of these keep Stone from enlightenment? Maybe, but the real deal here is the paranoid distrust of everything that will keep Stone from Nirvana.

Oliver Stone's theories make even the diehard 9/11 "truthers" stand up and say "No, that guy's not with us."

It's hard to get into a state of total peace if you think that the government is out to steal your thoughts. 

Likely to be Reincarnated as: A descendant of George W. Bush.


#1 The Dalai Lama

His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, is the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists and the reincarnation of the 13th Dalai Lama. A Buddhist man's Buddhist, the Dalai Lama travels the world spreading a message of peace and love.

How he came to Buddha: 

Like a lot of kids, he was born into his religion, except that instead of being forced to go the Sunday school in the middle of winter, Tenzin Gyatso was being prepared to lead an entire country.

Why he won't be reaching Nirvana anytime soon:

It's spiritual marketing 101, don't divinely ascend yourself out of business. If the Dalai Lama doesn't reincarnate then there's no official leader of Tibetan Buddhism to keep on teaching people about the Buddhist way of life. Then the number of followers starts to dwindle and you wind up with Buddhist versions Televangelists. "You too can be reincarnated by the power of the Holy Buddha, just send $100 today."

And it's not like Buddhism has reached the whole world yet. They have to fight for control from Catholics who have had a 2000 year-old system of electing old Europeans as Pope and the Protestants have their age old system of picking a leader who hasn't been indicted in an embezzlement scheme or caught snorting a line of coke off a gay prostitute's ass.

So the Dalai Lama is going to have to keep on reincarnating until the whole world unites with peace and love in everyone's hearts, or until Lord Xenu returns and enslaves us all.


Likely to be reincarnated as: The 15th Dalai Lama of course.