When I was little, my parents thought I suffered from a lack of things to do. To solve my "problem" my parents had the wonderful idea of signing me up for the Boy Scouts.
My Grandfather served in the army during World War II, and when he came back he signed my Father up for the scouts. Of course, back then they were hardcore "we're going to leave you in the woods for a month and see if you live" scouts and not the "we can't comment on issues pending trial" organization we have today.
Part of the requirement for my scouts group was to watch an episode of Captain Planet at the start of every meeting, thus breeding my life-long hatred of Captain Planet.
My biggest problem was the captain's green mullet. I can understand the artist's desire to make him look stylish to impress my generation, but a green mullet? You couldn't get away with that in the NHL, and hockey is Mecca for mullets. What hope does a fictional cartoon character have?
Growing up we had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as the hot new cartoon, so maybe they thought green was the color of choice for cartoons? I wish I could travel back to the meeting where they sat around deciding the look for Captain Planet. If for no other reason than to slap the mouth breathers who suggested a green hockey mullet for our proud eco-warrior.
The green hockey mullet was only the beginning of my festering hatred for this do-gooder. When you really give the show the scrutiny it deserves you start to see an evil corporate agenda being pushed. Don't believe me? There is an interview with the Captain himself on his website, where he talks about smart economic growth. Let me repeat this:
Captain Planet. A FICTIONAL cartoon character, is spouting off in an "interview" on his website, about smart economic growth and the action corporations should take.
"Q. Captain Planet, do you think it is possible for industry to be environmentally responsible and still make money?"
"Captain Planet: Our goal is to show industry that making money and being environmentally conscious are not mutually exclusive. As a matter of fact, they can even go hand in hand. We have found that many businesses are making a concerted effort to improve their environmental records. They are retrofitting their operations to be more energy efficient, they are recycling and reusing materials that once were discarded in landfills, and they are planning for the future with the environment in mind. Businesses must realize that if there is to continue to be a market place we must make it a sustainable one. "
While we're examining reasons to hate Captain Planet, we should also consider his nauseating brigade of young children who summoned the Captain like he was their drug dealer or local pimp.
Every time there was a problem, the captain would resolved the situation with a wave of brutality that would make Tony Soprano dye his remaining hair green. What kind of message does this send? It's ok to clean up after yourself, but if someone gives you guff over recycling beat them?
If that's what the captain was going for, I wouldn't have a problem. And don't get me started on that one kid, Ma-Ti, who talks to his pet monkey. I can't recall how many times I turned to my chums at the scouts and said, "You know what, I want Ma-Ti to develp an inoperable brain tumor. Let's see the Captain solve that one!" Naturally, I was the only one who said this out loud.
Captain Planet ranks up there with the Nazis and Jimmy Carter as one of history's greatest monsters. The only thing worth remembering is his theme song, so that the military can use it to flush out terrorists along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. I bet Bin Laden would have surrendered by now if our army drove around the border blasting, "Captain Planet, he's our hero, going to take pollution down to zero "
Let's never speak of him or his eco-friendly show again, least we be struck down with sudden irritable bowl syndrome; And I know none of you want that right?