In the waning hours of the night, I take off my shoe and throw it at my television.
I know way too much about anyone and everyone involved in the political system. There's way too much information floating around; information that I don't need to know.
We've elected leaders in our history before without mass media such as the internet and television. Can TV not be so up-to-date on everything that happens? I want to go back to a simpler time when I can get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, read the paper, and then go about my day. In fact, we could all do that. Get up, read the paper, and move on. Maybe go to a barbeque. Two barbeques, if the day lines up just right.
Regrettably, things are not that way. Instead, I have a thousand voices a day screaming at me, telling me what they think is most important, and most importantly, what they think is even true.
Oh, hey, Paul, did you um, hear, that, uh, Barack Obama isn't even American? Did you know that?
Hey Paul, look over here! Um, okay. So John McCain, is like, confused about his houses. What do you think about that?
My Comedy Central variety shows:
Yo Paul! That Sarah Palin (Insert whatever played references you like. Shotguns and bikinis. Expensive clothes. Hockey mom. Lipstick. It's all the same- I don't care.)
It's not even the slandering that really bothers me. People have been slandering each other for eons; we just have a more efficient way of doing it now. That's fine. More power to you if you can knock the other guy down a peg or two. This is way things are, so get over it.
Okay, I have.
What really slaps me in the face is coverage of things that don't need to be covered.
Paul, did you know that Barack Obama is set to meet with President Bush in the White House?
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, TV. The current President meeting with the next President. Why wouldn't they meet? They have to run into each other sometime, if not on move-out day at the White House. So why not plan it?
But, but . um, did you, did you notice that we have experts on today?
Oh, really? What do the experts have to say about this "breaking news?"
Oh, um, really great things, Paul. Really great. They're um, going to be speculating on what might be said between Obama and Bush.
Huh. Really. What are they speculating will be said?
Well, definitely something about transitional advice, certainly.
Uh huh. Sounds groundbreaking, TV.
Oh, it is, Paul. Your life will be changed by what we guess will probably be said by in a very informal, probably mostly congratulatory meeting between the current President and the soon-to-be President.
I'm sure it will, TV. Hey, TV. Do you want to hear what I think my boss will say to me when I go into work today?
When I go into work today. I'm going to say hello to my boss. Do you want to know what I think he might say to me later?
No, Paul, I don't think I do.
And why not?
Because that sounds boring.
Exactly. So why don't you make your story more interesting? Are they going to exchange any foods?
Will Mrs. Obama be making some sort of cookie platter? Is there going to be a pot-luck? Is the whole family invited? Where are they going to be sitting? In the Oval Office? In the living room? On the grass? On a blanket in the grass? Oh, please tell me that the Bushs and the Obamas are going to have a picnic on the front lawn of the White House, and Mrs. Obama is making cookies, and Bush's daughters have Super Soakers, and Bush will be in a bathing suit drinking a beer, and he slaps Obama on the back, who is also in trunks and sandals, and says, "Barack, let me give you one piece of advice. Don't ever talk too much." And then that's it. That's all the words that they have of any "importance." The rest is all about which world leaders smell the worst. Is it going to be like that, TV?
No, Paul, it's not going to be like that, I'm afraid.
Aw, shucks. Take this!
I then chuck my size ten Chuck Taylors across the room.
Watching the news channels during election time was like watching ESPN when not many games are going on, and they start doing stories like what Ben Wallace's mother does on Saturdays. Why do I care what flea market she goes to, and what great deals she gets on hams? They just stretch the time with little to no substance. Why the hell do I care? I'm not interested.
I can't take this anymore. There's too much out there, and anyone can say anything about anything and be right. No one even knows what's right any more. I overheard a fifth grader talking about how Sarah Palin didn't have "enough experience" to be Vice President. Apparently he was qualified to know how much experience a V.P. is supposed to have; I'm not even sure I am. I scoffed at him, walked away, but secretly wondered if he really did know more than me, the arrogant bastard.
I know too much. I don't know enough. I don't know how much I know. I'm unsure about what I don't know. I wonder about the things that I'm supposed to know, and am certain about things I have no business knowing.
It's all just too much information. Let's turn off our TVs and have more barbeques. Sorry, TV.
(sigh) That's okay. Hey, you wanna watch The Pick Up Artist 2?