Post-election Facebook is the worst. From liberals and their celebratory status updates to conservatives and their paranoid diatribes, social networking is more annoying than ever. For every few sane people with political opinions they can keep to themselves or argue reasonably, there's one person who never shuts up. These people are not of one affiliation, but from all over the political spectrum.

Very Conservative

The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."

Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.


The Conservative isn't necessarily politically informed, but the passion he lacks for the issues he makes up for in his hatred for "pussies." His shortage of political knowledge can be attributed to his staunch belief that America is always 100% right. Why question or even research anything if you're sure everything is being done perfectly? His view of war was shaped by his favorite movies – Rambo I, II, III and IV – and therefore, he thinks it's totally badass. He's a member of a group called "John McCain is my President," mostly because he never took the time to watch McCain's concession speech calling for unity under the new President Elect. There's a good chance he's slightly racist and/or homophobic.

Sample Status Update: Duff is pissed at all the homos who voted for barrack HUSSEIN obama.

Very Liberal

The Very Liberal is the most deceptive of the bunch. While she may look like she's decked out in hand-me-downs, she's actually wearing vintage clothes she paid hundreds for at Urban Outfitters. She's super psyched that Obama won, even though a redistribution of wealth means her rich Daddy would have to pay a lot more taxes. Not that she has any concept of money — she hasn't worked a day in her life. She also doesn't find it ironic at all that she bitches to other people about their lack of generosity and then blows $300 on designer jeans. I guess it's easy to spend all day at PETA rallies when you're 29 years old and Daddy's still cutting you checks. She's so proud of America now that they've elected her candidate, even though four years ago she was threatening to move to Canada.

Sample Status: Sunflower is feeling SO zen right now! Barack Obama is a Godsend who will make all of our problems disappear the second he enters office.


The Liberal is less politically informed than he lets on and more than likely holds his beliefs because they're the same as his friends. He believes Michael Moore to be an objective filmmaker and had his mind "completely blown" by Fahrenheit 911. If he's ever in a political argument, he'll cite Moore's films like they're gospel. He has the audacity to rag on Bush for being stupid, but too stupid himself to successfully complete his Communications degree in four years. As much as he likes to make fun of people who are world leaders, there's a good chance he'll be working retail after graduation.

Sample Status Update: Fletcher is stoked that we're finally gonna have a president that knows what he's doing, but kinda sad he's gotta take down his "BUSH IS NOT MY PRESIDENT" profile pic.


The Apathetic is a stupid lazy shithead who is too self-involved to care about anything that doesn't directly affect him.

Sample Status Update: Goober is

Illustrated by Emily Gottlieb