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My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.

-Kevin S.

How come when a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?

-Zach McGrath

All statues are of people riding a horse, and waving a sword. In the future will all statues be of people in cars, waving a sword?

-Matt Vita

My dog's daily planner
1. Sleep
2. Sit on human's face to wake it up
3. Lick own genitalia
4. Sleep
5. Poop….a lot.
6. Sleep
7. Bark at nothing
8. Poop in the house
9. Lick own anus.
10. Stare at human until it gives me food
11. Poop
12.Sleep

-Conner Kerrigan

I dropped the soap in the shower today. My first thought as I bent down to pick it up was, "I'm really glad I'm not in prison right now." My second thought: "I wonder who is anally raping me…"

-Andrew Cavalier

A shock comedian with a terrible sense of time
-The lawyers for the Exxon Valdez are having an easy time in their case. They've already greased all the witnesses
-I recently heard that the pilot of the Hindenberg was drunk when the accident occurred. If I had been there, that would have burned me up.
-Did you hear about President Republibot 5000's invasion of the Xzylon system? All I can say is "1001110101111001001" Am I right?

-Jimmy Joe Joe Shabadoo

ABCreationism

Sarah Palin thinks Dinosaurs (the TV show) and Cavemen (the TV show) were both on at the same time.

-Amir Blumenfeld

Corporal punishment
Is it cruel and unusual punishment to put an Amish man in an electric chair?
-Drew Strass
If and when the sun burns out, chances are it'll be because it got into drugs when it was only 1.3 billion years old.
-Conor McKeon
An RA came into my room yesterday and confiscated all of my weed, and I thought "That's funny, I don't live in the dorms"
-Nav Mog
Observation while performing stand-up for my parents for the first time
You don't realize, until you see your mom in the crowd, just how many times you use the word "cunt" in your act.
-Adam Newman
It makes me nervous that the phrase most often repeated by the Marines is "I don't know, but I've been told…"
-Patrick Cassels