The future is… nnnnowwww. Now. Now!

The only good thing about the recession is that I no longer feel guilty about majoring in English. Now I won't get a job after graduating no matter what my major is.
-Eddie Small
Thank Gregorian It's Friday, the inventor of the modern calendar.
-Brian Shott
On House M.D., there's always someone running behind
The elevator door never closes the first time.
-Phil H
My friend told me about how he tried to commit suicide by taking 20 Advils. Doesn't he know that he could've just taken 4 Aleves?
-Thomas Chiappone
Morkat Kombat vs. DC
If I want to see Sub-Zero fight Batman, I don't need a video game — I'll just close my eyes.
-Thomas Muir
The Moment I Realized I Would Never Become a Doctor
I remember doing poorly on a Physiology exam, learning the hard way that joint fluid is not at all similar to bong water.
-Adam Newman
A lot of my friends take alcoholism very seriously, but it's more of a Christmas and Easter thing for me.
-John O'Connor
We call my Grandpa "Spiderman," not because he has any superpowers but because he has trouble getting out of the tub.
-Jordan Shimell
Since Cocoa Puffs make normal milk chocolate, I thought they might turn chocolate milk normal. Instead it just turned my body diabetic.
-Sam Petschulat
Oregon Trail then and now
1999: Your character on Oregon Trail may die from dysentery
1850: You may die from dysentery.
-Matt Routh
American hipstorian
"I stopped following Ben Franklin's career after he went electric."
-Conor McKeon
I recently gave up drinking — well, socially, anyway.
-David Angelo
I bet the most difficult part of being a single parent is making the kid.
-Michael Drucker
Over the weekend I had a three-way. Only it wasn't the "fun kind" of three-way. That's right — all three of us were dudes.
-Patrick Cassels
Soy milk
I started drinking soy milk recently because they say it's better for you. So if that's the case, I think on the carton they should put pictures of kids we've found.
-Mark Normand