Our Monthly Holiday Issue!

My argument for white pizza
Warm toasted bread, melted cheese, and mashed vegetables. Which of these doesn't belong? Also, I'm racist.
-Ben Joseph
Definitions for "Waffle Balls"
1.Delicious dessert topping, 2.Aftermath of sitting on a tennis racket
-Adam Newman
Animaniacs is a funnier version of Entourage.
-Ryan Harbon
A couple years ago I was going to make my own TV station, like BET, but for white people. I ended up deciding against it, partially because I didn't want to become another example of white people ripping off black culture, and mostly because it sounded horribly racist.
-Kevin Corrigan
I think the second worst part about being in a Pretenders cover band is you're destined to only come up with the second most appropriate name possible. The worst part, of course, is the fact that you're in a Pretenders cover band.
-Conor McKeon
Why do old people become hard of hearing when their ears get so damn big?
-Glen O'Brien
Irrational Simile
Why do people say "smart like a fox"? Does that mean you are smart enough to catch rabies and get shot by a British nobleman?
-Kyle Booen
These hors d'oeuvres taste like shit! Pardon my French.
-Debby Burge
Behind every successful woman there's a bunch of guys whispering that she's a lesbian and "probably infertile."
-Dan Dooley
Every year my fantasy team comes in dead last even though it has the hottest chicks on it. I guess I just don't understand sports.
-Dante Culpepper
Look, I don't make the rulez. If I did, I would spell rulez with a "z."
-Streeter Seidell
Do you think poor, freezing children are purposely naughty so they'll get coal?
-Patrick Cassels
Psych out
It wasn't until after I graduated that I realized my diploma was useless. All of the benefits majoring in Psychology were canceled out by minoring in Reverse Psychology.
-Kaneda Shima
Diamonds or crack?
All I had to do was give her one of those expensive rocks for her to go down on me.
-Chris Token
Cavemen comebacks
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but it'll really be the infection that sets in afterward that'll do me in.
-Cassidy S.
If parents really don't want their kids having sex they should give their sons and daughters World of Warcraft.
-John Brodish