Don't be hating on me, but sometimes at work I end up with too much time on my hands. My mind begins to wander, first to things like money and sex, then to things like bigfoot and aliens, which quickly progresses to bigfoot sex and alien hookers…but today I drank an AMP…so when my brain struck a vein of thought…it went haywire, and this was the product.

I Like My Women Like…

My Coffee. Hot, strong and black

My Chai Latte. Fake, sweet and milky.

My Cannoli. Italian and full of cream.

My Hand Soap. Bubbly and in the kitchen.

My Morning Breath. There and gone by 8 am.

My Fishing Pole. A flexible, strung hooker.

My Computer. Fast, cheap and willing to let me watch porn.

My Contact Lenses. Flexible, non-irritating and disposable.

My Beer. Dark, strong and at the bar.

My Batteries. Energized and easily replaced.

My Cellphone. Easy to use, versitile and possessing a silent mode.

My Take-out Food. Asian, cheap, and greasy.

My Shoes. Sturdy and well worn.

My Nazis. Blonde, obedient and Cocksuckers.

My Presidents. Old, White and Rich.

My Kids. Self sufficient and forgettable.

My Ice Cream. Cold, vanilla and covered in nuts.

My Sunburn. Painful, temporary and soothed with a teabag.

My Camel. Long Legged, Humped and a Spitter.

My Silly Putty. Stretchy, fun and moldable.

My Facial Hair. Short, Well Kept and Easily Altered.

My Porn. Cheap, Discrete and Judgement Free.

My Roadkill. Bloated, Limp and Plentiful.

I think there might be something wrong with me.