1. I'm bored.

I'm sorry, its true. A significant portion of my love for your girlfriend stems from my shear boredom with everyday tasks. Shower, work, lunch, home, dinner, sleep. I just can't take it anymore. I'm sitting around thinking, how heavy does this stone have to be to bust a window? I shouldn't be thinking that! I should be busy gardening, doing taxes or killing time with your girlfriend, you know, awesome stuff.

Throwing your heartbreak rock through her new found love window will surely spice up my routine and keep my vandalism to a minimum.


2. I'm envious.

Can you blame me? When I see someone driving a BMW, I think "fuck that guy, I hope he crashes it". It's nothing personal .We're both human, you know how it is. I want what you have. She has that sweet ass and I just entered the market for sweet asses, I'm willing to outbid you based on my innate need to better you and be in her. It's nothing personal! Those Virginia hams are coming home in my grocery bag.

You might as well cue an 80's montage from Trading Places starring Eddie Murphy.
(read: look up on imdb.com, read plot line, return to article, understand joke, laugh, feel self conscious about not having seen Trading Places, rent it, watch it, forget to return it, lose it, be forced to pay for it, rue the day Ryan Elkins mentioned Trading places on Facebook)

3. It's a challenge.

When I was younger I wasn't much for challenges due to my issue with coordination and coincidently everyone's fascination with being young and playing sports. Now as I get older and more confident in my skill sets, those mainly being 'doing things on time' and 'not drinking until I blackout', I Realized I need goals and your girlfriend is one of them. While I'm slowly making her fall for me, I'm also busy working on making her love you less. I'm not trying to brag but doing both of those at the same time would get me on the debate team at any inner city high school.

Forgot to call her last night when you said you would? I'll make sure she doesn't forget ….right after I top off her wine glass.

4. It's risky.

Hey, who knows? Maybe you'll snap and kill her and (try to) kill me. Maybe you'll plot for months working on your sweet sweeeet revenge and I will be your target. Well paint an X on my back and let the games begin. You know what will be more risky than you trying to end my life? Me trying the sweet Alabama liquid snake on your gf.

What better for a person who suffers from boredom than a slight risk of death?

5. It's comfortable.

No pressure, she's got a boyfriend. I don't have to do any extra leg work or 'say the right things', nope..that's your job. I can slowly coast into her heart with a veil of friendship and a bad boy attitude about things like caring or listening. I'll probably even get to score a few free dinners from her parents, they are going to love me. "why isn't she with Ryan instead?" will be overheard from her loving and opinionated parents as they talk in private. Bottom line, I'll be the guy helping her try on clothes while you are at work, let's hope Victoria's secret is on the agenda.

Thanks for covering the tab on all those dinners and movies.

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Sadly, In the end I'll find myself with some girl who I'm not really interested in. She'll be trying to get me to do all those things you did like 'care' or 'pay for dinner'. F that, no thx, g2g, cya later alligator. I'll be onto new activities, been really thinking about taking up dancing lessons, I know a guy. She'll be dismissed with the classic "This is moving too fast babe, maybe we should take a permanent break" quote and I'll be on my way to a brighter dancing future. Win Win

-Did you see that girl at the dance studio?
-She's got a boyfriend?
-Does he seem like the type that would kill you if you wronged him?