Kevin Corrigan: I'm tired of making resolutions I can't keep. I resolve that I'm absolutely not going to go to the moon unless space travel becomes really affordable or I win a contest.
Amir Blumenfeld: Lose Weight, Managing Debt, Save Money, Get a Better Job, Get Fit, Eat Right, Get a Better Education, Drink Less Alcohol, Quit Smoking, Now Reduce Stress Overall, Reduce Stress at Work, Take a Trip, Volunteer to Help Others, Holiday and New Year Health-e-Cards.
Jake: You clearly plagiarized that from a resolutions website.
Jeff Rubin: I resolve to meat new people, I've been getting bored of throwing steaks at the same friends.
Conor McKeon: To finally get over the rough patch in my current relationship, and accept the fact that my girlfriend doesn't want to shave down there.
Jeff Rosenberg: TO STOP MAKING MY GRANDMOTHER TRANSCRIBE ALL OF MY JOKES PERIOD
Dan Gurewitch: I resolve to stop playing God with insects. I'm still going to torture and kill them in cruel and creative ways, but it will no longer be part of a larger plan.
Andrew B: I resolve to drink champagne and watch Ryan Seacrest count down from 10 more than once a year. In other words, become the classiest Ryan Seacrest stalker ever.
Jake Hurwitz: I resolve to be a better actor, stop talking with a gay lisp, not be a sell out, and everything else the commenters ask of me. Thanks so much guys! I take all of your criticism to heart!!!
Sarah Schneider: This year, I resolve to experiment more with my boyfriend. For instance, what happens when you combine radon, boron and tellurium inside a butthole?
Jason Michaels: My New Year's resolution is to stand up for myself. Unless you think that's stupid, then I can think of another one.
Streeter Seidell: I resolve to rely less on technology.

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Ricky Van Veen: Harder core pornography.
Steve E: I would like to spend more time with family and friends who have passed away. I f***ing love cemeteries.
Susanna Wolff: 1024 × 768 pixels. Also, buy a new TV.