Let's start the New Year out with some reasonable resolutions – because we all know you're probably not going to "work out more" or "spend more time with grandma" so why not set some goals that are totally achievable? With that being said, here's my list of 13 goals – in no particular order (then why are you numbering them?) – that I think are completely attainable.

Thursday 13

1 – Eat an obscene amount of cured meats
2 – Get so wasted (and angry) that I look at the beer in my hand, scream "I am so ridiculously infuriated that I cannot conceive finishing this frothy, delicious beverage", and hurl said beverage violently to the ground
3 – Carry on a 30 minute conversation using nothing but rap slang
4 – Befriend Gary Busey

5 – Start a collection of Jesus statues
6 – Finish my memoir – Lauren: An Erotic Life
7 – Choke to death
8 – Loudly sing "When I Think About You, I Touch Myself" in the grocery store and alienate my fellow shoppers at every opportunity I get
9 – Stop eating things that aren't meant to be eaten (ie – candle wax, lint, trident gum wrappers…)
10 – Send awkwardly worded emails to potential employers/family members/ex-boyfriends at 4am
11 – Learn what people mean when they say "Lauren, don't take off your pants again"
12 – Find the hamster I lost in the 4th grade

13 – Knit a pair of boxer briefs out of wool

Bonus 14 – Stop procrastinating & post things on time