Facebook itself is a unique website. Everyone knows about it. A large percentage of the population indulges in it in a way that suggests that each individual feels the need to have their own "fan page." Interests, Activities, and Favorite Media are posted as if the person were being interviewed. The observations could go on and on (and in my mind they will), however, perhaps the most intriguing thing about Facebook is the Status. If your friends count exceeds 50 people you have undoubtedly witnessed a large variety of Status-updaters. I have compiled a list of such subcategories.

The Constant-Updater
Such people feel the need to update their status numerous times a day. This type of updating is highly correlated with having Facebook on their phone. Any mundane detail is game for display.
Examples:
Chim Richalds is eating some tasty mac 'n cheese. Yummerz!! : )
Brittany Manning just bought some fuzzy socks!

The Ambiguous Dilemma Reference
Someone is going through some sort of personal dilemma, usually concerning romantic matters. It seems as though they feel an irresistable urge to communicate their distress without being in any way specific.
Examples:
Maura Shintato is hoping it all works out for the best.
Robert Zimmerman is learning to forgive.
Natalie Mooseface is ready for some changes.

Desperate for Human Contact
This category encompasses many different situations. The updater could have plans for the evening and wants as many random people as possible to get involved, or they could be alone in a room staring at their phone. Either way, there is one thing that bonds these individuals together. They always want you to "hit up the cell." This is often accompanied by their phone number displayed for everyone in the universe to see.
Examples:
Wesley Grapes is loungin' and watchin TV. Hit up the cell. (847)224-6969
Melissa Harrison is gettin her drank on wit her girlz!! HIT UP THE CELL!!

The Gloater
This person has just accomplished something, and they need you to know about it. Whether it is breaking a shitty school record or getting a 2.5 GPA for the semester so they avoid violating their academic probation, they are so proud of themself and you should be too.
Examples:
Seth Feldstein is tired after breaking the school record in the mile. 4:48 baby!!
Sarah Noonchach got a 2.025 GPA for da semester!! Just made it!!!

PDA
Some people are fortunate enough to find someone that compliments their existence. Others find someone who narrowly subdues their insecurities. Either way, every once and awhile they like to send a little shout out to that special someone.
Examples:
Mark Vanstrato is missing her.
Kathleen Riviera is lucky to be with the best guy in the world!

GPS
A considerable percentage of updaters feel the need to inform all 545 friends of their whereabouts at all times.  Whether it just back at school or a meticulous itinerary for the day, you will have no problem keeping tabs on these individuals.
Examples:
Sarah Smith is glad to be back in Macomb!  Where'z tha party!?
Joe Gonzales is going to class then work then the gym then showering then out!…cell is best!

The Countdown
There is an impending event, and all days leading up to that are mere hurdles in aspiration of that awaited day.  Sometimes the event is listed in detail, while other times they keep you guessing.  14 days until what?  Ask away.
Examples:
Jason Pufflip is 25 days. CANNOT WAIT
Phillip Partyall is 3.5 days til the weekend. CRUNK.

The Quote
When emotions are too raw and humiliating to bluntly communicate, many times the updater will reach for the quote.  After all, The Counting Crows and Train haven't been putting out pop hits for years without a little lyrical genius.  Similar to the Ambiguous Dillema Reference, but slightly more confident?
Examples:
Dane Tawny …everything you say to me puts me one step closer to the edge AND I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!!!  >: /
Eugene Masterson "did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded and that heaven is overrated"

Drunk Update
Misspelled, embarrassing emissions are clear signs of the drunk update.  These updates are usually performed while awaiting a reply from the message that was just sent to the ex at 3:30 in the morning.
Examples:
Tony Jayne is drnuk as fukk!  cells on
Mandy Carver cant belive she callld her mom from the bar… and dosent want to get up tomarow.