It's that time of year again when mainstream media outlets trot out a boring list of "popular" baby names. Despite the fact that our little recession will soon make the apocalyptic scenario in I Am Legend appear improbably cheerful, people are still popping out babies for some reason.

With tough times still ahead, you need to give your young spawn a fighting chance—give it a tough name. Our (my) top picks for 2009:

Storm - No one will mess with a child named Storm, even if it wears ugly glasses and grows up to look like Screech or talks like Jon Heder.

Riot - With many of us more politically conscious than ever before (OBAMA!), a name like Riot will send exactly the right message. I can pretty much guarantee a kid named Riot will get laid more often than anyone else in his Conversations of the West freshman class at NYU.

Bloodwake - If you are affluent and have fears that your child will grow up to hang out with people named Spencer or Sebastian, this will ease those fears. A person named Bloodwake would feel somewhat out of place at any of the clubs on 27th Street, nor would it (he? she?) be inclined to wear polo shirts or flip flops.

Starscream - As long as Transformers remains somewhat popular, naming your kid after the robotic asshole in this Meghan Fox-driven major motion pic will be sure to get him some laughs.

Artery (or "Arterie" for girls) - I have no reason behind this one. I just want someone to be named Artery.

David Seaman is the author of Dirty Little Secrets of Buzz. In stores everywhere.