Yo! Sup dawgs? Y'all keepin' it rizzle out there? Nice, nice. Any of you actually understand what I'm saying? Haha, of course you don't, because I'm not even speaking real English! I'm using that crazy Negro hip-bop language that your spoiled ungrateful grandkids listen to all the time, and you'd better get used to it since this is how everyone in the government is going to talk for at least the next four years. I'm going to ensure it by making that Poo Diddy or Puff Doody or whatever his name is my Attorney General, and the first thing he's going to do is make it legal for those minorities in your neighborhood to play their music really loudly while you're trying to sleep. Then he's going to require everyone to wear baggy pants around their ankles, ban all early bird specials, and outlaw showing Matlock and Murder, She Wrote before 10:00 PM.
Hey, do you remember that respectable looking white war hero who was about the same age as you who was also running for president? And that smoking hot woman he nominated as his vice president? Wouldn't it have been so great to have him making all the decisions on social security and Medicare and getting those teenage punks to stop rollerblading in the parking lots? And having her on TV all the time looking attractive yet respectable? Well guess what? Now you've got me, a radical leftist socialist who was too busy snorting marijuana and listening to that hippity-pop music to even think about joining the military, and some ugly dude as vice president who, like you, is balding but, unlike you, can afford hair plugs.
You saw me flub that inaugural oath, right? Do you think that was a simple mistake? Hell no, man! It's because I'm so irresponsible that I'm getting inaugurated while I'm high! On drugs! Illegal drugs! The only reason I could even afford to run for president was because of how much money I made selling drugs, pornography and anti-Lindbergh propaganda to your grandkids. That's the real reason I'm so insistent on keeping this Raspberry or Blackbaby or whatever it's called. I need it to keep my drug business going and be one of those bad guys that pleasant white man is always warning you about on that To Catch A Predator show.
Do you even know what my middle name is? Hussein! Can you believe it? My middle name is the same as Saddam Hussein's last name! And he was a dictator, just like Hitler was! You know, Adolf Hitler, that guy who you risked your life to defeat and make the world safe for democracy before I was even in the womb listening to that dip-doop music that would make respectable musicians like Frank Sinatra turn over in their graves. Even the rest of my name isn't that safe! Barack Obama? More like Iraq Osama, right? Christ, why would you want a guy named Iraq Hussein Osama running the whole freakin' country? Especially when I celebrated getting the nomination not with a nice traditional handshake like General Eisenhower and John Wayne used to give but with a terrorist fist jab!
Well, I guess that's about all I've got, so thank you, and God Bless America. Haha, just kidding. Let's go get drunk and listen to rip-rap, or whatever it's called. Oh, also, I'm an Arab Muslim, and I'm going to take away your driver's licenses.