Longest Punt in the Game: Ben Graham (-135) vs Mitch Berger (+105)
Amir: See this is a classic example of somebody only doing half the research. Graham is a former Aussie rules football player and you know what the temperature is going to be like in Tampa this week? A Melbourne-esque 71. That's the type of humidity Graham needs to feel at home. Take the favorite here boys, trust me.
Length of the National Anthem: Over/Under 2 min and 3 seconds
Ethan: Jennifer Hudson's going to be a dream girl for anyone who takes the over here. After all that's happened to her this year, there's no way she doesn't get a little choked up and add some vocal flair to this anthem. The smart money's on her stretching out that last note in "the land of the free" to at least 13 seconds. This one's a star-spangled lock.
Amir: I hate agreeing with you, so I'll one up you. This one is the lock of the millenium! I'm going to put my kids through college by betting the over here, and not only that, they're going to have a 19 meal-a-week plan. That attention monger is gonna make sure she's getting her face time. You can't buy that publicity though at the rate of Superbowl commercials, it'll be worth roughly ten million dollars.
Kurt Warner Super Bowl XXXIV -148.5 (-105) yards vs. Kurt Warner Super Bowl XLIII +148.5 (-125)
Ethan: Gotta go with this year's Kurt Warner over the 2000 Super Bowl Kurt Warner. Why? Because it's the same guy. He's not a day older. Jesus, people, how many times do you have to be told that Kurt Warner OWNS A TIME MACHINE before you finally listen? That graying hair is the most half-assed disguise ever. And now you want to bet AGAINST Warner's abilities to bend the space-time continuum to his own greedy whims? Why not just throw your money away?
Amir: Come on, we made a promise, no more talking about your Warner conspiracy theories.
Ethan: Alright, fine. I'm just saying: where was this time-walking gunslinger the day Lincoln was shot? Now, what's your bet here?
Amir: Younger Warner against Tennessee's defense beats an aging Warner against Pittsburgh's current D. Go with younger Warner.
Ethan: He's there holding his musket to your head, isn't he? Next prop, please!
Ethan: Limas Sweed +6500. Who's calling him a "mild draft disappointment" now? Although to hedge my bets, I'll probably lay a grand or two on Jerheme Urban +6500. Who are you going to take instead? Big Ben +200? Most of my medical knowledge may come from House reruns, but even I know you need an appendix to be Super Bowl MVP.
Amir: I'm likin' the "Field" here at +1000. I mean, I get my choice of any offensive lineman, AND backup QB when one of these fragile ones go down early. I'm gonna be riding Leftwich to a second house.
Ethan: This will tell you how confident he is: he doesn't even have a first house yet. NEXT!
Cointoss. Heads (-105) vs. Tails (-105)
Ethan: This is a tough one. Most years I'd take the easy money on heads, but you've got to do some scouting. John Elway is one of this year's tossers, and did you know that when Elway was still playing, he was known for his uncanny ability to always flip a tails? That's why his teammates called him John "Ever-Tails" Elway. Terrell Davis said that he only saw Elway flip a heads once, and John got so angry he threw the coin through Ed McCaffrey's torso. Really, this is a no-brainer.
Amir: I dunno this one seems like a tossup to me I can see it going either way.
Ethan: Coward. Take the tails and tease it with Matt Spaeth's chance of scoring a TD. +150,000 is some sweet action.
Total Rushing Yards Willie Parker. Odd (-105) v. Even (-105)
Ethan: Odd all the way. Fast Willie played in 11 games this year. He had odd rushing totals in 7 of them. What, are you going to tell me that was just chance? Mere happenstance? Don't ask me for a loan come Monday. I'll be too busy flossing with hundred-dollar bills. (I'll cut them into a very fine string first.)
Amir: I guess they didn't teach you the law of averages when you were getting your econ masters. The way statistics work is that, in the long run, odds and evens will be exactly 50/50 so if Parker finds himself heavy on odds, he will eventually hit a string of evens. It's like betting on red in roulette when you see that a bunch of blacks just hit. It's just common sense.
Ethan: Law of averages? The only law I follow is the Ten Commandments. Also, the Second Amendment and Ty Law. But that's it. Next!
Springsteen's halftime set list.
Amir: I honestly can't tell if you're kidding anymore. But here's my longshot. Parlay "Thunder Road" (5/2) with Jeff Reeds first fg (over 43.5) and Adrian Wilson crying after the game (Joy or disappointment 3/1). A one hundred dollar bet wins $4,500.
Most receiving yards: Heath Miller -34 1/2 vs. Leonard Pope?
Ethan: I'm getting papal here. Give me my man Lenny and the yards. God, we're going to be so rich next week we'll be typing this column on diamond keyboards.
Amir: Not if we make your bets. Tease Heath Miller with well just tease Heath Miller. What kind of name is that, tubby? Your Mommy name you after a delicious toffee bar?
Ethan: And there it is. Money in the bank if you follow our picks. (Yes, even the ones that conflict with each other. Especially those.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go tease the Cardinals' line down to -34 1/2.
When not dispensing gambling advice, Amir and Ethan runStraightCashHomey.net a random jersey blog