I don't care what the name of your first puppy was or that your friends and family mean everything to you.  If I wanted to know, I would have asked, probably in an effort to sleep with you.  So since I know so much about you that I don't want to know, here are some things you may or may not want to know about me:


I've masturbated to the Pink Power Ranger before I was certain of its gender.


I've masturbated to a saved voice mail from a woman calling on behalf of my credit card statement.


I've masturbated to the first actress who played Aunt Viv on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."


I've masturbated to the second actress who played Aunt Viv on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."


I've masturbated to the "?" given to people's profiles who don't have a Facebook pic.


I've masturbated to the mannequins inside Victoria's Secret.


I've masturbated to a "Before" picture of a Jenny Craig ad on TV.


I've masturbated to the theme song of "Blossom."


I've masturbated through 23 minutes of the "Titanic" soundtrack.


I've masturbated to my waitress at Applebee's last week.


I've masturbated to Britney Spears after she shaved her head.


I've masturbated to the mother in the generic family photos inside the picture frames you buy.

I've masturbated during the 3 quarter of a WNBA game on ESPN 2.


I've masturbated to a picture of "Aunt Jemima" on my maple syrup.


I've masturbated to a middle aged woman driving the family minivan on the highway.


I've masturbated while in the middle of taking an online final in college.


I've masturbated to Hillary Clinton's pant suit and Sarah Palin's glasses.


I've masturbated to the women having sex with their husbands on the "Viagra" commercials.


I've masturbated to the spokeswoman of a 2 a.m. infomercial on vacuums.


I've masturbated by closing my eyes and listening to the grunts of a women's tennis match.


I've masturbated to the "Princess" in "Mario Kart."


I've masturbated to the Statue of Liberty.


I've masturbated while watching the "Food Network."


I've masturbated to a backup dancer in the Christina Aguilera "Dirty" video.


I've masturbated to myself masturbating.