Last Half-Season on Heroes: I stopped writing recaps right before the finale and a lot of people sent me angry messages.

But the Twist is: My grandfather died so you're all a bunch of dicks.

This Week: We open at Tracy's house, where she's just returned home from banging another politician or ten. The phone starts ringing, and she manages not to blow any Senators on her way to go answer it.

Speaking of Congressmen, Tracy's ex, Nathan Petrelli, is on the news being equal parts vague and ominous about a new "threat to humanity." He means his fellow Heroes, of course, because if you'll remember, he switched sides for about the 837th time during the last 30 seconds of last season/volume/whatever. He says he plans to begin rounding up these "dangerous people" very soon, but won't specify who or why for fear of being immediately shot in the face by another time traveler. For consistency's sake he then proceeds to switch sides two more times before the end of the interview.

Tracy is reminiscing over the fragrance of his balls when suddenly a bunch of men surround her, swooping in from every direction. Tracy's like "This seems familiar," and then they put her in handcuffs and she's like "This definitely seems familiar."

Before all the raping, NBC cuts to a Heroes-related commercial starring an Asian guy who looks suspiciously like Rufio. Rich Eisen from Sports Center is there too for some reason (in hindsight it's entirely possible I dreamed all of this) and he says "Heroes-something-or-other!" and Asian Guy's like "I wish… I had a dad… like you," and falls over, dead.

Elsewhere, newly powerless Hiro surprises the newly powerful Ando with a super secret superhero lair. They arrive and he says "Open your eyes!" and Ando's like "They've been open the whole time!" and Hiro's like "God we are so Asian." But it's all pretty adorable, actually, because he also bought Ando a spandex costume and a motorcycle(!) – even one of those little under-the-skin GPS locators people put inside their pets these days, so he can monitor Ando's missions from their command center. I guess he wants to be Ando's Alfred, only without the cockney accent or collapsible bird cage. Yet despite being treated to pretty much the most romantic Valentine's Day ever, Ando's like "I don't want… your life."

He then decides he does want… his motorcycle, so he grabs it and speeds away.

In the inter-volume interim, Peter Petrelli has gone from superhero-who-whines-instead-of-saving-people to paramedic-who-whines-instead-of-saving-people. He's frantically performing CPR at the scene of an accident, and the other medic is like "HE'S GONE, MAN!" and Peter's screaming "NOT YET HE'S NOT" and the other guy's like "YOU'RE GIVING MOUTH-TO-MOUTH TO A SEVERED HEAD." Then Peter bitches and moans about wanting to be a hero, and the American viewing public is like "We've seriously given you about a thousand billion chances."

Every adult on the show wants Claire to start thinking about college, apparently, but she says she can't. Because of Sylar. Yeah I dunno. Angela's like "Is that for real the best excuse you can come up with?" and Claire's like "Well I tried to get pregnant but my stupid hymen keeps regenerating."

Meanwhile I guess Sylar's sinister plan to thwart Claire's collegiate aspirations involves not giving a shit about them at all, as he's far more concerned with finding his real father. He tracks him to a little shop in Memphis, which means the guy obviously sucks because Memphis is a shithole full of assholes. Sylar's like "Why did you walk out on me, Daddy?" and his dad's like "I'm not your dad, actually," and I'm like "Oh. In that case I probably should have remembered this guy's name so I knew how to refer to him for the rest of the episode." Anyway he says it was his brother who passed Baby Sylar off to him like a hot potato.


Parkman and Daphne are living together now. In case you don't remember, they have a romantic relationship predicated entirely on Parkman's assurances that he's seen the future where they're a couple. Try that line out the next time you're at the bar – as long as you like crosseyed chicks with crazy hair. Anyway Daphne comes home at an unusual time and Matt's all suspicious. She says she's already finished making her morning deliveries, and he's like "O rly?" and she's like "Ya rly," but he doesn't seem to believe her. It's too bad there's no way (no wai!) for him to know for sure, though…


To be fair, Matt and Daphne are both avoiding the use of their powers in order to lay low, because now that the Heroes writers have finally picked the Watchmen corpse clean, they've turned their attention toward ripping off The Incredibles. Also Parkman keeps seeing the (possible) ghost of the long-decapitated Kenyanardo da Vinci, who gets him to sketch the future again. Matt's like "Can I choose a different girl this time?"

Eavesdropping at Angela's, Claire overhears a convo in which Nathan announces plans to capture Peter and Parkman and a peck of pickled peppers.

Peter hails a cab, and hey look Mohinder's the driver. They both marvel at this coincidence, because I guess they've never watched the show before. Mo talks about how he's been laying low lately – how everyone has, everyone except for Nathan. Peter's like "Well, you know my brother…" and Mohinder's like "Do I though? There's a lot of fucking characters on this show." The two find themselves at odds over Nathan's plan to lock everybody away – Mohinder is for, Peter's against. Then Peter hops out of the car to make room for Mohinder's next fare: Irony. It's an agent who orders Mohinder to pull over immediately because he's under super secret arrest for being super in secret. Another slew of SWAT stooges swarms in, but Mo tears off the door of his cab and uses it to block their bullets. He still has powers, I think. Mo runs through the parking garage until a car pulls up next to him. "Get in!" Noah shouts. "Do you want to live? Get in!!" Watching at home, James Cameron turns to the person next to him and asks if plagiarism is legal. Noah then reveals his new allegiance as he turns Mo right back over to the agents who, as it turns out, work for him.

Peter and Nathan agree to meet for dinner. Nathan asks what his brother's powers are these days, and Peter's like "Whatever's left in the effects budget, I guess."

Peter gets tased and turned over to Noah. Then Hiro gets rounded up. Claire goes to warn Parkman, who's like "In this sketch, we're both being arrested. Interesting." before getting shot in the neck with a dart.

Sylar shows up at the address the un-Dad gave him, and it's a trap – the agents were waiting for him. He doesn't appreciate this so he kills everyone.

In, I'm pretty sure, the same exact hangar where they had Hannibal Lechter that one time, the fugitives have all been lined up, bound in chains and shrouded under black hoods. But the guards haven't made them form a naked pyramid yet, so there's that. Also they're about to load them onto a plane, because that worked so well for transporting John Malkovich and Steve Buschemi.

Realizing that he's rounded up his own daughter, Nathan releases Claire, puts her in a car and tells her to forget she ever saw this. She of course kicks her driver in the head almost immediately, then stows away on the jet. Meanwhile in my imagination a guard played by Samuel L. Jackson yells "I've had it with these motherfuckin' sneaks on this motherfuckin' plane!"

Now airborne, Claire yanks off one person's hood and it's Hiro, too knocked out to be of much use. The next one is Peter, too Peter to be of much use. Luckily he notices that the hand of the guy next to him is brown and, assuming it's Mohinder, reaches over and absorbs his super strength. Racism saves the day!

The guards attack. Peter brushes Tracy's hand. Her power, along with at least one guy's sperm, rubs off on him. He freezes a hole in the fuselage and it shatters. Then people start getting sucked through it because they don't watch enough Mythbusters. The plane is going down.

Bad Ass Moments:
- Ando using the Andocycle to pick up strippers, then presumably using his superpower to give them all Orgazmo-sized climaxes.
- Sylar wrecking peoples faces.
- The slow-motion "We're all in this together" plane crash.

Bad, Ass Moments:
- Every word out of Claire's mouth.
- More ghosts?
- Considering the volume title (Fugitives) and the episode title (A Clear and Present Danger), I was kind of expecting Harrison Ford to punch someone off of that plane.

That's What She Said:
- "You want me to beg?
- "DID THEY COME!?"
- "I don't know what you're up to, but if it's what I think it is, I'll fight you with every breath that I have."

Next week: Lost!