You know where to get discounted meals every day of the week paired with uncomfortable side effects. Living cheap never comes disease-free.

Sunday- Half-off chicken pha at that crappy Vietnamese place around the corner. Sure it sucks and you have to pick chicken fat out of your teeth from time to time, but tell me where else you can get a steaming bowl of terrible Vietnamese soup for 3.95. Nowhere! (Salmonella is on the house today, boys!)

Monday- Two-dollar milk shakes about five minutes from campus. You can load the crap out of it with toppings as long as you wink at the old dude. Sure, milkshakes aren't really a meal, but they are if you drink them real fast. Plus, I think these ones make you lactose intolerant.

Tuesday- This is the best day of the week if you like Mexican food. Every single Mexican joint is rockin' the Taco Tuesday signs outside. You can get Diarrhea from the Del Taco across the street, Ebola from the Mom n' Pop shop, or straight-up herpes from that taco stand that's so hipster they take pride in the pubes on the toilet seat and trash around the trash can.

Wednesday- Hump day is when the microbrewery at the University Town Center has a happy hour at noon of 3 dollar pitchers with a bottomless basket of fries. God bless drinking in the middle of the day in the middle of the week and the enablers who let us. If you don't get a hangover by sundown, you didn't take advantage… shame on you.
Thursday- No deals going on today, but lucky for you, the dorm cafeteria food is always on Thursdays. Not a freshman? No problem. Remember that chick/dude that's been cheating off you in Lit 34a? Yeah, I think they'll be more than happy to swipe you in for the passing grade they're getting thanks to you. If no one cheats off your dumb ass, you could always make small talk with the person that actually swipes the cards. Trust me, they're a lonely bunch.

Friday- Free dinner hosted by Hillel, the Jewish Student Association. No discount here, just flat out free food. It kind of gives you a headache by the end of the meal, but so would any huge vat of pickles and hummus. No worries though, chugging a beer will get rid of that headache right quick.

Saturday- This day of the week is when the supermarket has the fried chicken deal, and although you might think that's the special, you'd be wrong (plus, you don't get diseased if it's fresh). Most of the time, they overcompensate and make too much chicken that day. They close the "hot" deli at 9PM. Guess who's there at 8:55PM asking the counter-worker what happens to all the chicken at the end of the day? That's right, baby. The deal is no longer five bucks a pound, but rather it's five bucks for however much you could carry by yourself out of the store. Sure the chicken is too dry and so crispy you can chip your tooth on it, but it wouldn't be a college student deal if it didn't rip your insides.

Welcome to dining in college! Whatever doesn't kill you lowers your life expectancy.