so after being single for a long long time, I've looked back on the plethora of time I've had to myself and notice that dealing with being single is a lot like dealing with death and that there are 5 stages people go through.

Stage 1: Denial

The very beginning of singledom, everyone knows that you and your significant other are finished except you. The obvious signs are there and you choose to ignore them "We're just going through a rough patch and needed some time apart" you rationalize to yourself. The words finished, single, over, and move on aren't in your vocabulary, you still call and leave like 20 minute long messages describing your day.

Stage 2: Anger

Possibly the most destructive of your 5 stages, anger can manifest itself in many ways. Most common is destruction and vandalism of the dumper's property by the dumpee. Flaming dog feces on the aformentioned's porch, laying cable on the hood of someone's car, both examples that you are in stage 2. Nights out with the guys/girls are probably riddled with phrases like "that scag-bag took the best 2 months of my life" or "I hope she/he gets the clap and dies." Its necessary that you express your anger as its a sign of progressing through the 5 stages but its best if it is expressed in a healthy and legal manner

Stage 3: Bargaining

In this stage you're in your most desperate condition. You'll give anything just to be in a relationship again. And I mean anything, your standards are just this side of creepy and your willing to put up with a lot of crap just to get your rocks off. You think every girl that gives you a momentary glance is totally into what your selling and your willing to give up anything, everything, and a little on the side to not be single again. Good friends are your best ally in this stage as they will stopping you from bargaining yourself into a relationship with a beast that likes to give people third degree burns for foreplay.

Stage 4: Depression

Ok you've been single for a long time now. You made it without being arrested in the second stage and didn't get hepatitis from a transvestite that you thought was just a tomboyish girl with an acceptable amount of facial hair. But now your depressed and what do you do when your depressed? You drink…a lot. Depending on how long you've taken to go through the first three stages your depression could be a lengthy journey or could be as long as it took you to pack that bowl. You might cry and use your tears as lubrication while you masturbate yourself into a coma. I don't judge. We all deal with depression in our own way.

Stage 5: Acceptance

You made it, You've been single for so long that you no longer care. Single, not single, these states of being mean nothing to you. You don't care if your still single tomorrow or next year. Now you run the show. Your not going to settle like the old you back in stage 3. If your gunna get in it for the long haul with someone it'll be on your terms. Congratulations, you're your own man or woman again.

There they are, your five stages. I'd like to thank all those women that turned me down, without you I would never have looked back and made these wonderful observations.