Pencil (Number 2, Mechanical): Very light and easy to throw, minor risk in harming the bird. The resulting sound is very light, not enough to scare bird for more than a few seconds.
Gum (Spearmint flavor, Stride): Very small, does not make a discernible noise when it makes contact with the cage. Small chance of hitting bird, which does slight wing damage but also shuts it up for about 1-4 minutes.
Empty Iced Tea Carton (Publix brand, 1/2 gallon): High success rate. Makes a huge noise when thrown at bird's cage. No chance of hitting bird. Scares it silent for about 7-12 minutes. If the empty carton lands near bird's cage then add on 100% increased time in bird silence.
Textbook (Conceptual Chemistry, Third Edition): High success rate but also high risk of critical damage inflicted upon bird. Double this if the cage gets knocked over. Triple this if you break and shatter window near the bird's cage. Quadruple this if you hit the bird.
Deodorant (Axe Dry, Kilo): Strong success rate, easy to throw, very slight risk in knocking over the cage. For added length in bird silence, chase bird around with the deodorant, making as much noise as possible, and then leave the deodorant inside the cage. Expect a strong 20-40 minutes of silence.
Knife (Metal, with ridges): Very strong success rate but also very high bird mortality rate. If contact between bird and knife is made the rate of bird survival drops to about 3%.
Television (Insignia, 22 inch flat screen): Very strong success rate, but also very high bird mortality rate. 95% of thrown televisions resulted in bird death.
Empty Soda Can (Cherry Coke, Publix brand): Very loud clang, no chance of bird death, if can lands near cage expect silence for a good hour or two or as long as bird remains distracted by its reflection.
Dead Bird (Parakeet, obvious knife wound): Strongest item. No chance of bird death; shuts up bird for about 2-4 hours. When the item was left inside bird's cage the bird did not chirp again until item was removed. After which the bird portrayed symptoms of having received severe psychological damage; the more often this item was used was directly correlated to the level of psychological damage inflicted upon bird.
No actual birds were harmed in the making of this article
Seriously. I didn't throw a knife at my bird.