Despite what that girl in your bio classsays, everyone loves Valentine's Day.She's just bitter because she's a total bitch and her Uggs are too tightbecause she stuffed her blue P I N K sweatpants into the ankles.Valentine's Day is awesome, and it's evenmore awesome if you have someone to share it with.
Valentine's Day is less than two weeks awayand you're still single.What todo, what to do.I know!Get a girlfriend.Don't know how?No problem, because I do, and I'm hereto help.Follow these ten easysteps, and you'll be sure to have someone around to tell you how immatureplaying six hours of Halo a day is by February 14.
Step One:Find a Girl
I recommend picking a girl you know and maybehave even talked to, but if that's not a viable option (like if you're a StarTrek fan or a young Democrat) you can just roll down O Street on a Saturdaynight and yell "Bitch, get in my car!" at the first chick you see with loosemorals, and by morals I mean vagina lips.Women love assertive guys, so that line is guaranteed to work.
Still, if you lack confidence because youdidn't develop as quickly as the other boys, you can always use the People YouMay Know' tool on Facebook.If youdon't have a Facebook account then you must be reading this over my shoulder asa type so stop, because that's creepy.What many people don't know is that eHarmony.com and Mark Zuckerbergagreed to a secret partnership and the People You May Know' are actually allmembers of eHarmony as well and YOU match the profile of the person thesePeople You May Know' enjoy having sex with.Now you may be thinking "Nate, there's a lot of guys in myPeople You May Know', does that mean-"Yes, it does."Eww, that'sgr-"Yes, it is.You think I'm kidding?I used to be a journalism major and Ichecked my facts.If you don'tbelieve me you can check yourself.Don't actually check.
Step Two:Arrange a Meeting
If you already knew the girl, a quick text ornote in class will do.If youpicked up the bar girl, call me.That should not have worked.If you went the Facebook route, stop masturbating to her pictures andget those hands to work on Facebook Chat.Send a cute Bumper Sticker too.No penis jokes.Or boobs.
Getting drunk before you talk to her iskey.Alcohol allows the real youto come out.Girls love that.It also increases your ability to calland text at 2:00 AM tenfold.Girlsreally love 2:00 AM phone calls.And they'll find all your gross misspellings and slurred words so goshdarn cute.
Regardless, you need to make sure yourrendezvous has the right mood.Dimly lit, highly secluded areas are perfect because girls havesensitive eyes and you can be sure no one will walk by and interrupt yourpivotal moment.Also make sureyou're far enough away from buildings and people that they can't hear herscream.She'll be so charmed byyour romantic gesture that a swooning squeal is bound to escape her lips.
Also make sure there's no cell service in thearea.You wouldn't want your momto call with questions about The Google' not working again while you'reputting on your best moves.
Step Three:F*** Her Brains Out
Whoa, slow down slugger, you just met thisgirl.You're not in Jersey!You can't hit a homerun when you'restill waiting in the dugout.
Step Four:Apologize for Trying to F*** Her Brains Out So Soon In theCourting Process
She's a little creeped out now, so you'rewalking on eggshells.The omeletswere a good idea but you should really clean that up.Anyways, it very important, nay, VITAL, that you do not lookat her boobs when you express your sincere regret.
The apology, if done right, has not put youback in her good graces, it only convinced her not to press charges.You need to become Prince Charmingagain, not Prince I-Thought-No-Meant-Anal-Or-At-Least-A-Beej.That guy's not even a real prince.So what do you do?I don't know.Just make sure you don't look at her boobs for a while.
Step Six:Woo Her
This is the part where things get a littlegoofy.Trust me though.The transition from friend to object ofaffection is very delicate and you have to make sure you take precisesteps.What I'm about to tell youto do may seem absurd or even a bit carnal, but you have to do it.
Bite her in the throat.Make sure to draw blood.
Girls are wicked into vampires rightnow.I don't get it either,they're fucking crazy.Plus, ifyou're particularly sly, you can trap a little of that blood in a vial to getit tested, you know, just to make sure her STDs are compatible with yours.
Side note:If you don't have an STD, what the fuck do you want agirlfriend for?Enjoy your days ofclean cumming by spreading your seed as far and wide as possible.Yay diversity!
Step Seven:Apologize, Again
Apparently Ed DOESN"T bite Belladonna or whoever.I guess he's a pussy, falling in loveand shit.Whatever.
After you explain that your last rabies shotwas actually in the last seven years tell her that you were just trying so hardto be romantic but your learning disability caused you to misinterpret thestory.Now she'll be doubly sweptby your A+ effort and absolutely adorable handicap.
Step Eight:F** Her Brains Out
Step Nine:Use the Ensuing Pregnancy as Leverage for Making Her YourGirlfriend
The raw passion elicited from your stuffedanimal ploy had no room for rubbers.Now the bitch is preggos.Tell her it would be irresponsible to raise a child alone. ¼/span>She pretty much has to go out with younow, she's carrying your child. Make sure you seem interested in the child'swelfare, not the thought of how big her boobs will get.
Don't forget to update your status onFacebook.It doesn't count if it'sjust the tip, and it doesn't count if Facebook doesn't confirm it.
Bam!You are no longer among the ranks of the single.Welcome to hell.Good luck saving enough money for aromantic Valentine's Day date in between saving up for diapers andformula.
Being a dad is scary, and she's a big girl,she can take care of a kid by herself.Besides, her mom is totally cool with it.That baby doesn't need you.So pack up and head on down south to start over.If you planned it right, you left justbefore she started getting fat and hormonal.And now there's only eight months left til next Valentine'sDay, you got some work to do.