Did someone say, "Help!"

Kill the cheerleader, save the series.
-Rame Thomas
America's Funniest Home Videos should be renamed America Thinks This Sh*t Is Funny But Hasn't Seen It On A Giant Tape.
-Ezz Pigman
My '88 Honda Civic
My car has been making all sorts of noises lately. From my steering column being squeaky to my vibrating muffler to whatever the hell that noise in my engine is, I can't even drown it out with my stereo anymore. It really sucks because I'm not sure I have the money for louder speakers.
-Tyler Reiriz
The road to diabetes will be sweet.
-Sam Hinson
I finished a race that ended at the Norway-Finland border. So you might say I crossed the Finnish line.
-Ben Long
The hippie and the prosecutor
My mom was a hippie and my dad a prosecutor. Sometimes people say, Like Dharma & Greg! Yeah, except it sucked FOR REAL.
-Matt Ruby
Getting fined is like having to donate to a really shitty charity.
-Ryan Adams
I spilled spot remover on my dog, it died.
-Ryan Adams
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
-Mehmet C
A lady told me she was worried about her husband getting shipped to Iraq. I told her not to worry, you're more likely to die in a plane crash than at war. What I didn't know was that he is in the Air Force.
-Beth Nolin
Group Hugs
Just extremely softcore orgies.
-Charlie Weisler
I have a recurring dream where I am driving a bus, except the bus is shaped like my dad and is telling me I'm not good enough for it. I wonder what it means.
-Paul P
If Beyonce was actually a boy she would lose all her male fans.
-Stephen Schmid
I used to have what's called Napoleon's Syndrome because I was short and liked to argue. Now I have what's called being a dick.
-Greg Greene