Ethan: Is it just me, or does A-Rod's forced sad face just make it look like he really, really has to go to the bathroom?
Amir: Those press conferences last forever, so maybe he does! But only because the bathroom is the only private space A-ROID has left to shoot up! A-Fraud! What's your favorite A-Pun?
Amir: NY Post had A-Hole. I think that's the end of the A-Road.
Ethan: Do you even care about this story? I'm far more into baseball than most people I know, but I just sort of shrugged when I saw this. Were we supposed to believe that concurrently with everyone else in the league using steroids, this young phenom with a statuesque physique just happened to randomly show up but wasn't using the drugs himself?
Amir: Yes. That's why starting today I only trust fat baseball players. Players who gain their strength from hamburgers. That's how Babe Ruth did it.
Ethan: Does this mean we can FINALLY make Mo Vaughn #2 on the all-time home run list? Who's laughing at his contract with the Mets now?
Amir: If everybody has an asterisk next to their name, nobody does!
Ethan: We might have to start using some more unusual punctuation. Like this thing ~.
Amir: You know who the real winner here is? Miguel Tejada. Nobody seems to care that he admittedly lied to Congress.
Ethan: That's because it was a 33 year old Miguel Tejada, who, as we know, doesn't exist anymore!
Amir: You're right!
Ethan: I almost forgot he'd ripped the fabric of space-time. One last A-Rod thought: some enterprising charity should have solicited donations to get the Yankees players out of attending A-Rod's press conference yesterday. Did you see how bored they looked? Rivera alone would have put up $10 million just to get out of that chair.
Amir: Instead he spent it on one season ticket. Mezzanine.
Ethan: Let's get on to my main beef with All-Star weekend: Reggie Miller's voice. How can someone with such an obnoxious voice be paid to talk? And did he like anything at all that happened this weekend? After the dunk contest was over, did he go berate some grade schoolers for shooting threes while their feet were on the line?
Amir: Hey, Nate Robinson isn't a grade schooler he just looks like one.
Ethan: What was your favorite dunk of the weekend?
Amir: Dwight Howard's side of the backboard from Pau Gasol's throw, dunking over himself.
Ethan: I'm pretty sure he used his own back to gain height off that one, though.
Amir: I'll give it a solid 6.
Ethan: Maybe you can clear this up for me: what makes dunking off of Wilson Chandler's back more impressive than jumping off of, say, a stool?
Amir: Well that prop is still going on, that's the difference. Wilson Chandler is going to be Nate Robinson's coffee table until the playoffs.
Ethan: Do you think Nate Robinson realized that when you're that short, dressed totally in green, and dancing jigs, you don't look like a piece of Kryptonite you look like a demented leprechaun?
Amir: Wasn't that the point?
Ethan: I don't know, was it? I was too busy watching Shooting Stars over and over again on my TiVo to follow such frivolous matters as the dunk contest.
Amir: You can't tell exactly how fat a player has gotten until you see him try to fit back into that tanktop.
Ethan: Starting next year they're just going to paint it onto Laimbeer. It will be faster. Why they haven't just put him in his Combat Basketball outfit yet is anyone's guess.
Amir: Next years skills challenge is going to have banana peels and oil spills.
Ethan: Another week, another loss by the #1 team in college hoops. If things are this wide-open is the play-in game going to be the real national championship this year?
Amir: Luckily there are four number ones soon enough so it really doesn't matter. It's like a parent ranking their four kids. "You're all #1 seeds in my heart!" "Then why does HE get to play the play-in game winner?!"
Ethan: And then Roy Williams starts crying Can you believe Marshawn Lynch got caught with guns and pot in his car? Is he stupid or something? I refuse to accept the suggestion that the man who wrote this blog entry isn't brilliant: "wha it do YB? two words BEAST MODE! we did are thang against dem chief. i had hella fun again playin wit my teammates gettin that W! i jus wasnt feelin dat late hit but its all good."
Amir: That's not his blog, that's the subtitle of his autobiography
Ethan: I can't help but point out you and Marshawn attended the same college. An academic Beast Mode throwdown of the mind. Did you like the Tyson Chandler trade for the Hornets? Would just trading for a white flag have added too much to their payroll?
Amir: They already have a white flag on their team: Sean Marks.
Ethan: Do you think it's weird for Raef Lafrentz to be in such high demand as the trade deadline looms? I imagine he's just at the airport, sitting on a packed suitcase and crying.
Amir: Like a young John Madden.
Ethan: Where do you think Amare ends up? The Suns seem so desperate to unload him, they might not end up with 50 cents on the dollar. They might just get 50 cents and be happy with it.
Amir: And to a lesser extent: 50 cent. The interesting fact today has been interrupted for breaking news: Tracy McGrady is out for the year after deciding to undergo knee surgery.
Ethan: I like that as soon as your name is mentioned in trade rumors with the Nets, you decide your year is done. Guys are going to start getting voluntary lobotomies to avoid going to the Grizzlies.
Amir: So that's why I haven't seen Stevie Franchise in awhile.
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for trade deadline speculation!