The key to looking busy for eight hours straight.
9:00am N/A: Never come in on time; if you do, they'll expect you to keep doing that, and that's the last thing you want these people to do: expect things from you.
9:45am Pull in to the parking lot. Be noticed by some people in the office, but hang out outside and waste some time. Smoke a cigarette, read a whole magazine front to back. People will see you in the parking lot and it will give the illusion you've been there for a while.
10:15am Make an appearance at your desk. Pick up your phone every five minutes and press some buttons. Put a couple post-it's on your computer monitor. Ask Jim if he got your email. If he says no, tell him you'll resend it. Send him an invite to your Facebook note of 25 things about you.
10:25am Begin the binge. At every office, there is a cupboard where the snacks are. Objective number one of the first day for the common slacker is to locate this cupboard, because this will determine your sustenance for however long you work this gig for. Sure, Snickers isn't too conventional of a breakfast, but neither is 4 cups of tea mixed with three cups of coffee and hot cocoa. Just eat it cause it's free, that should be enough.
11:30am After bingeing for about an hour, it's time to hit that toilet. You have to go number two before and after lunch. The first session is to expel all those nutrigrain bars and caramel apples, and the second session is for trying to set the record on Tetris.
NOTE: do not ever go to the bathroom at designated smoke breaks or lunch breaks. You need to be on the clock when you are taking care of "business." Slackers love to get paid to shit.
12:00pm You have two options, you can waste your time by eating food at the designated time, or you can go see that two hour movie you've been meaning to see. You've been second-guessing yourself for a while: how good could Benjamin Button really be? Forrest Gump but with less AIDs?
2:00pm Once you've returned from your movie break, you must be hungry. Go to the fridge and steal that Caesar salad that hasn't been claimed yet. Take it to the bathroom and set your alarm for a twenty-minute nap when you're done with it.
3:15pm Facebook and MySpace until you become physically drowsy (it'll happen).
4:20pm Video conference your friend who's still at home in his pajamas and cyber blaze with him. Slacker's should be noticing when the clock hits 4:20 every day, no matter where they are or who they are with. Thank god for webcams.
4:45pm Count how many seconds are in fifteen minutes.
4:50pm Fuck it, leave early.