Old movies and interracial couples may be black and white, but ethics are rarely so. Take this short quiz to see if you're a nice person, or perhaps just a clueless dick.


1. A stranger falls and breaks his leg. Do you:
A) Call for an ambulance.
B) Laugh.
C) Break his other leg.
D) Fashion a rudimentary splint out of branches and mud and help him home.
E) None of the above.

The correct answer is, of course, C.  By breaking his other leg, you've helped the stranger realize he's too clumsy to walk, and really shouldn't do it anyway.


2. A little girl drops her ice cream cone. You should:
A) Buy her a new one.
B) Laugh.
C) Break her leg.
D) Fashion a rudimentary ice cream cone out of branches and mud and help her home.
E) None of the above.

Again, the correct answer is C.  The little girl won't care about her ice cream once she experiences the agonizing pain of a broken limb.


3. A cat is stuck in a tree. Should you:
A) Call the fire department.
B) Laugh.
C) Break its leg.
D) Throw rocks at it.
E) None of the above.

Did you guess C? If you did, then you have been tricked. The correct answer is D. By throwing rocks at the cat, you teach it that even the highest bows aren't safe from danger. (Don't worry, it'll break its leg when it falls to the ground.)


4. An old woman is trying to cross a busy street. Do you:
A) Help her cross.
B) Laugh.
C) Stop traffic so she can cross.
D) Push her into the street.
E) None of the above.

You might think D is the correct answer, and you would be almost right.  However, in this circumstance, the correct answer is E, none of the above. Ideally, you'd punch her in the face and steal her purse before you push her into the street so she can break her leg. The streets are no place for an old woman, and now she knows better.


5. Your best friend's mother dies suddenly. You should:
A) Console your friend.
B) Laugh.
C) Break your friend's leg.
D) Break your friend's mother's leg.
E) None of the above.

The correct answer is A. Death is not a joke. If you're laughing, deduct one point and redeem yourself by breaking your own leg.


Scoring:
For every correct answer, give yourself 1 point. Use the following table to judge how nice you really are:

5 points: You are the glimmering pinnacle of thoughtfulness and compassion. Everyone should strive to be as fabulously kind as you.
4 points: You're much nicer than most, but you don't break enough legs.
3 points: You're neither an angel nor a saint. But you really aren't breaking enough legs.
2 points: Seriously, you're not breaking enough legs.
1 point: You're not a nice person.
0 points: I've sent someone to break your legs. Dick.

("like" this or i'll break your leg.)