To a Jonas Brothers Concert (If you're a dude)

13 year old girls crowding everywhere, people killing each other to get to the front, screams so loud your eardrums actually burst! What can cause this? The Jonas Brothers, of course! If you're a dude who somehow was forced into these hellish events, here are a few things you need to survive…

1. Full body armor. I'm not talking just some Kevlar or SWAT armor. I'm talking full on, 'I'm gonna wear this in a nuclear explosion' armor. The amount of energy these girls put out is equivilent to 225 kilotons of dynamite. The heat from the girls can produce a heat wave similar to that of you standing directly in front of an actively exploding volcano's mouth. From all sides. You will need every bit of protection you can get your hands on, for every kind of danger. I will guess that most of it will still be rendered useless by the end of the concert, though.

2. The legs of a Kenyan Olympic runner. I don't care how you get these. You NEED them. If the boys don't show up, or someone starts a fight over which Jonas brother is hotter, or if a all hell breaks loose in general, you don't stand a chance in there. You better run. Fast.

3. A Magic 8 ball. Every 5 minutes, ask it this question: "Is it time, yet?" If it answers any of the 'Yes' or 'Maybe' answers, make a break for it. If you don't see or hear some commotion (other than the standard screaming and pushing for the front), go back in and resume asking the Magic 8 ball.

4. Drugs that increase your attention span: Speed, Ritalin, ephedrine, etc. It might not be a good thing to have the ability to pay attention to the evil-attracting trio, but the payoff is much greater than the pain. You will notice fights and outbreaks before they even happen, which gives you that split-second advantage you need to escape alive.

5-7 will be what not to bring.

5. A weapon. Or anything that might remotely resemble a weapon. The crazy bitches will think you're trying to murder the Jonas Brothers, and their serial killer instincts will override their attention to the Jonas Brothers. And guess who is the target? You might take a couple down, but in the end, you will get killed.

6. Alcohol or drugs that reduce attention or give hallucinations: weed, acid, Dramamine, etc. Pretty much opposite of 4. You will lose time that you need to run, which will result in you getting trampled. May you rest in peace.

7. Your anti-Jonas shirt. This is just common sense, people! You can wear it out in public, but not here. I'm not even going to say what will happen to you.

(Back to things to bring)

8. The blessings of everyone/thing you know. Pray to all gods, goddesses, idols, spirits, everything. You need divine protection. Worldly armor will not save you this time.