1. BMW
BMW drivers are the bitch'n-est Sweet Dudes on the road. And by 'bitch'n-est' I mean the biggest bitches. 50% of BMWs you see on the road are driven by hot, blonde, ice queens talking on their cell phone on their way back from tanning. The other 50% are driven by equally bitchy looking men talking on their cell phones on their way back from tanning.

What you tell your friends: "I'm going to fuck tons of girls with this car!"

What you tell yourself: "I'm going to fuck myself in this car!"

What you look like on the inside (and outside): Tan, diamond studs, popped collar, shaved chest and that weird haircut where you spike your frosted hair and shave off your sideburns



2. SUV
SUV drivers are masters of rationalization and denial. Even though SUVs are clearly the worst purchase an auto-buyer can make, the SUV driver remains undaunted in his quest to become the Sweetest possible Dude he can be.

What you tell your friends: "I don't know bro, I just like to sit higher on the road."

What you tell yourself: "Sure, I'll go off-roading." "Gas is probably going to stay cheap from now on." "I can't possibly fit my golf clubs in the trunk of a sedan." "Well, it does have side airbags to protect me from rolling over." "It doesn't cost that much more than …"

What you look like: You have Sweet Dude down to an art form. Jeans. Casual shirt. New Balances. Sunglasses that make you look like an asshole …


3. Volkswagen
Volkswagen drivers are the most severly confused of all drivers. They think that Volkswagens make some type of statement, but they aren't really sure what that statement is. VWs aren't performance cars, and aren't known for being incredibly reliable but hey they do have those commercials about … dudes … and stuff.

What you tell your friends: "Not all those that wander the road are lost, man."

What you tell yourself: "Hippies drive Volkswagens and I'm kind of a hippie right? Also, yuppies drive VWs and I'm also kind of a yuppie … also VWs are German and my grandpa was part…"

What you look like: Non-commital length hair, expensive shabby clothing, just-up-in-the-morning manicured facial hair and a laptop bag with patches of funk bands


4. Subaru
Subaru drivers are relative newcomers to the Sweet Dude scene but they wasted no time in catching up to BMW drivers' place in asshat-dom. One can consider them the modern day equivalent of muscle car drivers, as you can often catch them hanging out in parking lots looking concerned over the performance of their systems and scissor doors. Only time will tell if they will have longevity or whether they will all die the firery drag-racing induced deaths of the 80's Sweet Dudes before them.

What you tell your friends: "I bet it can go 100 mph faster than your Subaru, boss."

What you tell yourself: "I bet it can go 200 mph faster than your Subaru, boss."

What you look like after that bet:


5. Pickup truck
Ah, the ever enduring pickup Sweet Dude. You are a man's man: you wear black t-shirts, and you drink black coffee and you identify with Howie Long. You purchased your pickup based on the fact that it can haul stuff, and you do have dorm furniture to haul once a year.

What you tell you friends: "It's extended cab, extended bed - with a sick hemi."

What you tell youself: "If only my penis…"

What you think you look like, when in reality the only thing you share with John Rambo is that you are both 5 feet tall:


BONUS! Conversion Van!
Whether it's sporting an air brushed western landscape on the side or bubble windows with poop-color curtains this vehicle is the bomb.

What you tell the local kids: "No one can hear you scream the walls are insulated."
What you tell yourself: "Good thing I thought to insulate the walls."

What you look like: