You go to a party to be among other anonymous alcoholics. Maybe you'll meet someone you like, but most likely you will encounter these people:
Guitar Guy: As soon as you hear "This is a song I wrote/am working on
" get the hell out of there, even if you have to break a window or face in the process. If there is an acoustic guitar anywhere within walking distance of the house, Guitar Guy is playing it. If he seems to have talent, feel free to jump on the band wagon AFTER everyone else is singing along to brown eyed girl.
Group of Girls: The Group of Girls congregate in the corner to strategically ignore everyone so they can take pictures and giggle. These girls are too cool for school, literally, since you will never see them attend class. The message they send is loud and clear: "We are hot, you are lame, we will only talk to you if we need to make someone jealous. Or when we're stealing your alcohol"
The Plant: Unnoticed at first, but it becomes apparent that this guy has been stationary for hours. He rocks back and forth in the middle of the room and his facial expression is frozen. He is stoned out of his mind. His functional capabilities have been reduced to absorbing oxygen. There is no consciousness. He is the plant.
Always Takes Off His Shirt Guy: No explanation needed nor sufficient to explain why this guy always takes of his shirt
Post 1990:This person is visibly underage. They have braces and are physically prepubescent, born circa 1993. They say inappropriate things to overcompensate for their lack of sexual experience. It is best to not hook up with them since it's a safe bet they are someone's younger sibling. If being underage is not enough of a deterrent, just remember, they have never heard of Full House, what an idiot.
The Witty Comment: Remains under the radar most of the night until they say something so bitingly witty, after which they smirk and continue being mysterious. They then light their cigarette and drive off on a motorcycle.
The Try Hard: A d-bag desperado. He will find himself near the hottest girls at the party and in the span of one sentence discuss Nietzsche, his trust fund, indie music, skiing, how the double helix can be a template for business organizational strategies, Thailand, why a tailor made suit is the best investment, Ancient Greece or any other conversation piece that screams please bang me. Cerebral atrophy occurs every time Try Hard utters a word.
There are many other people you will encounter at parties, like Loud Guy, the Couple, the outdated Girls Who Kiss Each Other etc. Instead of holding disdain for such people, embrace their stupidity, because by basis of comparison you look good. If you haven't noticed certain types of people at parties, there is a good chance that you are The Plant, pretty chill.