Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Please Let Me Watch Your Kids
March 16, 2009
Please let me watch your kids. I need the work. I have no more money. My my wife left me. She took everything. T.V., stereo, Nordic track, all the food I've got nothing. I am begging you. Please let me watch your kids.
Oh God I have nothing left. I'll be great. I'll tuck 'em in and read 'em stories. We'll have so much fun. We'll be crying from all the fun. We'll be crying and laughing and nothing else will matter anymore. Please. I was a business man. I had a house, a family I just need this. I need to watch your kids. You can pay me anything. I'll work for free. Just to be in a warm house. That's all I need.
I'll do anything. I have a clown outfit. I'll dress up as a clown. Would they like that? Do they like clowns? I can change diapers. I can wear diapers. Whatever you want. Just, just don't turn me down I can dance. Yeah. I can dance. Really well. Do your kids like dancing? I can dance with them. We can dance all night. We can just dance and dance until all of our problems disappear. Wouldn't that be great? For the love of God please let me do this.
What about Beenie Babies? Do your kids enjoy Beenie Babies? I love Beenie Babies. I got tons of them. I can bring them over. It'll be so much fun. I've been using them as bed but I'll bring them over. I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't need this. Please give me a chance. I can cook. I can cook them anything. Lasagna. Do they like lasagna? I love lasagna. I make it so well. They won't eat anything else. I made it for my kids all the time. It's so good. It'll be just like old times. Please
Oh Jesus I, I just need to get started again. Just this one time. I need this more than anything. Whatever you want me to do. Look at me. I am nothing. Your kids. They won't mind. They'll love it. We can stay up all night and get lost in an old movie. One from the '40s. Do they like '40s movies? Whatever they want. I'll have nothing left. Without this I'll have nothing left. I just need to watch your kids.
What's that? You don't have any kids. Oh, oh o.k. Sorry. I just I just thought you had been pregnant earlier. Sorry. So sorry. Miscarriages happen. I understand. I was a miscarriage. Just are you sure? Cause I can put 'em to bed and everything. It'll be so fun. So fun. Please let me do this. You're sure. Oh.. o.k. it's fine. Everything's fine. Do you have any pets?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.