Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Honest Older Guy on Your Spring Break Trip
March 13, 2009
Hey, baby! How are you? Good, good, I don't care, good. I only asked because it's easier to see you naked if I seem interested in your thoughts, which are probably about how I have a six pack. Did you notice my six pack?
Where do you go to school? Oh my god! I totally visited there except I didn't! But you don't know that. Hey, what's that bar right by campus that you will say the name of and I'll pretend I knew the name of? Yeah, that one! Do they still have that hot bartender? And they serve that one really cool drink? Don't we seem like friends now? We could totally be friends, if you knew anything true about me and I wasn't a terrible person. Did I show you my six pack?
You and your friends
to come out with us tonight. Because this bar is too bright to roofie you. And I know all the hot spots. That's because I'm 25 and this is the seventh year in a row I've come down here. After I graduated college, I realized that it's hard to meet chicks in the real world. Especially when I work in the mail room of my dad's firm. But that's okay because you think I'm a senior and I'm going to law school next year. And what a coincidence! The law school I said I'm going to go to is like an hour from your campus. You could totally believe we'll ever see each other again.
What do I think about this place? Well, it really is a bit too bright. But I like all the easy girls who convince themselves that I might be the one. As if anyone you meet on vacation when you're drunk and 18 could possibly be the one. Wait, you are 18, right? Whew! I was afraid you might be 19 or 20. You scared me for a minute.
See, you have this romantic notion of what's going to happen down here because movies tell you that love at first sight is possible, maybe even probable. And until now, the closest you've gotten to being in love is a hand job in your prom limo.
I'm here to cash in on that notion. Don't worry " you're not the only one I?m going to take advantage of. There'll be someone else tomorrow. There might even be someone else tonight. Hey, your friend is kind of cute. I might stop making out with you to try to fuck her. But not if you seem easier. I may not be that bright, but I'm not stupid.
! I shout that to remind girls that this is a vacation, so their sluttiness doesn't count. I also yell that because I don't know how else to let people know that I am enjoying myself. I
We should get out of here soon. The longer you and I talk, the sooner you might realize that I'm a pathetic douchebag who can't get girls my own age and spends a few grand each year to have random sex and bury my pain in margaritas. Thankfully, I have extra cash from living with my parents. Man, I'm hoping my dad promotes me soon.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.