After becoming one of the original columnists on this very site, Steve Hofstetter went on to write online for Sports Illustrated, the New York Times, and the NHL (that's hockey). Now he is one of the most requested standup comedians on the college circuit and is most likely performing on a campus near you sometime within the next fifteen minutes.
What do you think you would be doing if you weren't traveling the country telling jokes on stage?
I'd probably have an office job maybe I'd be a consultant or work in development. I'd have a wife and kids by now, live in a gorgeous house, and spend all my time looking out the window and wishing I were a comedian.
What's the worst city to perform in?
This question sucks. Anywhere I say, I'll upset someone. I may as well tell people I hate babies or I beat the shit out of Rihanna. What, too soon? And by the way, Paterson, New Jersey.
I think every comedian has a "strangest story from the road." What's yours?
I was touring with Phil Mazo and Denis Donohue in Bloomington, Indiana. Two minutes into my set, a rather large girl approached the MC and asked him to introduce her to Denis. First dumb move. She didn't need a middleman. She knows he has no standards, she just saw his act. Want proof of his no standards? They left together almost immediately. That was his first dumb move and her second. Dumb on his part because Bloomington is FULL of hot chicks and she was FULL of gravy fries. Dumb on her part because if she'd waited 45 more minutes, she could have fucked him AND seen my act.
Phil and I hung out and gave Denis some time to have what I thought would be normal, run of the mill road sex. Turns out, no.
They broke the bed. And not just broke it, they ripped the headboard clear out of the wall and split it in two. Of course it was my bed. They'd already ripped the sheets on his bed, so he must have decided to move over to my bed and continue Fanzilla's path of sexual destruction. By the time they were done, the room was strewn with splinters, condom wrappers, shredded linens, and the ghost of a girl who'd given up on herself a long time ago.
The best part is that when Denis told the front desk he'd pay for the damages, the manager said, "eh, happens all the time."
About how many days a year are you on the road for?
How do you not get burned out and start phoning in your set when you're playing a college in Montana on a Tuesday night?
Because being on stage is the one thing I look forward to. Well, having sex after being on stage is also nice. Oh, and I like a good omelette in the morning. And a nap. Playing around on facebook is fun, too. You know, this isn't a bad life. Bring it on, Montana.
What's on your new album?
"Steve Hofstetter's Day Off" (available on iTunes) is an hour long, 100% ad-libbed show I recorded at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville, Kentucky. I make fun of politics, racism, ignorance, and most of all, scientologists. I end by telling the story of the first time I ever said "cunt" on stage. It was the only time I'd said it, until this album. My mom is very proud.
You were one of the first consistent CollegeHumor writers. How did writing for CH help your career?
I got involved with the site a few months in February 2000. It is amazing how much this thing has blown up. I remember being excited because 600 people a week were reading my work. Granted in 2000, that was all 600 people that had the internet. I love it when someone brings up something old school after a show. Special props to those who know me from my "Observational Humor," "Student Body Shots," or "Ask Joe College" days, but any reference to Campus Hook, Big Shocker, or Libby Hoeller, et al is also appreciated.
How many Facebook friends do you have now?
I had 200,000 back in the day, but then they instituted a 5,000 person cap. I am approaching that quickly and rumor has it they're getting rid of the limit. I hope so I don't want to have to start rejecting people. If I do, the first people I'll reject are the profiles whose picture is of them and the person they're dating. Yeah, yeah, it's adorable. The modern equivalent of matching sweaters.
If you're reading this and want to add me, go for it. But if you poke me, I'll fucking kill you. I don't mean with a cute little application either. "Steve has killed you! Would you like to kill him?" I mean I will actually take your life.