Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
How to Get Any Girl to Sleep with You
March 16, 2009
1. Tell her you like sandwiches
This is a pretty easy and agreeable ice breaker
Mainly because you'll be hard pressed to find someone in opposition to the pro-sandwich position. Plus, girls have the animalistic instinct to want to be in the kitchen cooking things, with nothing but cool hard tiles beneath their feet. Sandwiches are so easy to make, so your (future) lady friend will feel secure knowing you're just a low maintenence guy who wouldn't ask for much in the kitchen. She gets to fulfill her God-given right to cook for men and you get a free Turkey Club.
2. Tell her you like babies
babies. Cute, cuddly, and totally hitting the maternal instinct. Have you ever seen girls around babies? All over 'em. And what's better than seeing a baby?
Having one, of course. Here's a little known fact You know that day in health class where they separated the boys and the girls to talk about sex? While you were learning what condoms were, girls were learning how to poke holes in them. Trust me, there's nothing a college girl wants more than to take her young, hot bod and shove a baby in it. So go on, tell her you like babies and you'll be one step closer to makin' em.
3. Comment on her Facebook pictures. All of them.
Now that you've established your similar interests, you need to give your woman a clear signal that you're interested. And nothing let's a girl know she's on your mind like the knowledge that you've just spend the last 30 minutes clicking through every facebook picture she's ever be tagged in. Sure you're probably doing this already, but how is she supposed to know? Strategically place a "LoL" or "iz
likes dis one ;-) !!" on about every third or so. That way, she'll be 100% certain you've looked through all of them. That that kind of dedication shows a girl that you're committed in your attempts to get in her pants. And what girl doesn't love committment?
4. Guess her bra size
Girls are usually pretty self conscious about body image,
so you should make sure she knows you're already familiar and realistic about how she looks. Nows no time to flatter her, contemplate her bra size with a clear mind. I know what you're thinking- this could go horribly wrong. But consider the outcomes if you guess too big, she'll be wildly flattered and want to take off her top. If you guess too small, she'll be wildly insulted and want to take off her top to prove you wrong. If you guess just right, she'll know you're an incredibly talented and thoughtful individual. Oh, and take off her top.
5. Take her out to dinner
Right now I'm sure you're practically dating already, so why not make it official? Take her out to your favorite economically priced eatery (bonus points if the restaurant has any signs announcing a recession special). You'll gently wipe the pizza grease off her chin, offer to refill her diet coke, and tell hilarious stories about the time you pissed yourself Freshman year. At the end of the night, you'll invite her back to your place. Now to be perfectly honest, there's a chance she might play hard to get and say something romantic like "no fucking way" but thats when you pull out the big stops and club her from behind. She'll never look as beautiful as when you're dragging her back to your cave.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.