Many young adults consider college to be one of the most important and rewarding experiences life has to offer. Whether higher education, meeting lifelong friends, or winning as many beer pong games as possible is your top priority, it will shape who you ultimately become as a person. However, some find that ending up thousands of dollars in debt is not worth the vast quantities of homework or lowered self-worth college inevitably causes. This article is a how-to guide that can ensure you will be living with your parents in no time.
1. Drink every chance you get.
College students like to get drunk; there is no doubt about that. Yet, when you want to use alcohol as a way to flunk out of school, drinking must be taken to a whole new level. These tips will help you achieve that objective.
The most important personal trait required here is perseverance. You mustn't stop drinking for anything! That hangover you've been nursing for the past three hours? Throwing back a few of those Jager bombs that got you wasted last night should cure you right up. Did you procrastinate studying for your 10 a.m. psych exam until 2 a.m. that same morning? Chances are you were drunk, and studies* have shown that you will only remember things learned whilst drunk when you are just as plastered as you were before. So don't feel guilty about downing a few shots before you leave for class. You can't forgot to pack away a water bottle full of vodka just in case you lose your buzz. Finally, if that hottie down the hall decides to go out on a desperate limb and invites you over for a beer or two, feel free to take full advantage of their offer. They invited you, so mooching is allowed.
Eventually your severe drinking will lead to what you intended it to in the first place: alcoholism. Drunks don't go to class, and those absences will pile up. You'll go to check your grades one day to realize that all of your classes have been dropped, and the rest is history.
*Studies are completely fictional, and have been obtained from the comedy classic "Beerfest."
2. Just say yes to drugs.
Let's face it: drugs are fun. While marijuana usage will always remain prevalent in most college towns, more hardcore students like to stuff their brain full of what some call "nose candy." Another popular mind-alterer (although more commonly found behind some housewives' bathroom mirrors) is pills. If you have a friend with back pain, don't hesitate to ask for some of their prescription hydrocodone. They don't need it anyway.
That being said, everything is better while high. Remember back in the day when Comedy Central used to show reruns of Saturday Night Live before they switched to the inferior MadTV? The only thing that got me through those grueling episodes from the early- to mid-eighties was a fat bowl and my trusty Bic lighter (it was blue and had a vicious shark on it, in case you were wondering). Had I been sober, I would have realized that Gilbert Gottfried did NOT, in fact, deserve to be ranked with likes of Chevy Chase, John Belushi, and Gilda Radner. Yet, in my heightened state, I found it impossible to hold back my ridiculous cackling and continuous knee-slapping for anything.
Whoops! I kind of got off track there. Sorry for rambling; I got distracted by my iTunes visualizer. It's just so mesmerizing! But anyways, let's get to the point. Smoking before class can assure you nonstop giggling, the inability to focus, and all-around stupidity. There will be no room for learning, as everything the professor says will sound like one on-going, completely meaningless sentence to you. As you try to comprehend what is being taught, you'll find yourself drifting off into your own world (one where Cooler Ranch Doritos and Mountain Dew are included in the Food Pyramid). Sooner or later, you'll begin to believe that getting high is better for your well-being than going to class is. You'll inevitably get booted from that seminar you never went to in the first place.
Why climb the ladder of success, when there are more fun ways of getting high?
3. Anything to do with sex is a good thing.
Sex is the most simple, primitive, and satisfying experience known to mankind. We use it forget about our troubles, and to celebrate our victories. Utilizing man's most basic pleasure to aid you in accomplishing your objective is not only effective, but gratifying as well.
First, if faced with the choice of writing a 10-page paper for composition due tomorrow, or bringing home an uggo you picked up at the bar (don't worry, "beer goggles" are a safe method of making sure you won't realize you're bedding a creature from the deep), always, always, always go with the latter. Also, instead of attending your 8 a.m. lab, use the free time to download dangerous quantities of fetish porn to your roommate's Mac (you have a Dell there's no way you're going to risk a computer crash when you have all those naked pictures of your ex you're saving up for blackmail). Lastly, try to center your thoughts on sex. Fretting about school or family is useless. Those things aren't important. Rather, don't be ashamed to think about that sexy football player-or cheerleader, for you fellas out there, and the ways you would ravage him/her.
Clearly, skipping class for masturbation or hooking up in place of working on an assignment are adequate ways to stay out of the learning loop. However, keeping yourself from focusing on school by thinking about sex will make certain you'll have no idea what someone is talking about when they ask you what went down in bio yesterday. Pretty soon you won't remember what the word "class" means.
I hope all you potential college flunkies have learned everything you need to know from this article. Before you can say "academic probation," you'll be making new best friends under that bridge down by the soup kitchen.
Author disclaimer: All references to drug usage mentioned above were written solely for the purpose of bettering this article. No matter how hard you try, you won't get the truth out of me.