Day 1: February 20, 1848
I, Jeremiah Thompson, set forth today on a perilous quest across America to Willamette, Valley, Oregon. I hail from the county of Random Eastern State and nobody informed me of why I'm leaving in the first place.
I bring with me my wife, Katie (named after the girl I have a crush on), and my children, Will (named after my best friend), Duffy (named after my dog), Joe (my little brother insisted he be named in my group), and Dysentery (this will be funny if he gets Dysentery). I have four children because that is the maximum number I'm allotted, and I can't die until they all die.
Prior to the excursion, I decided to change my occupancy from a lawyer to a carpenter. Law will have no use on our voyage, but being a carpenter means our wagon will break down less often and I will have an easier time repairing it. Never mind you the eight years of law school.
I visited the county store and bought a few wagon axels, wheels, some oxen, and spent the rest of my money on bullets. This ammunition is for hunting and is most important in order to actually be entertained on this trek.
Day 4: February 24, 1848
I set the pace of our wagon from "slow and steady" to "grueling" because "ludicrous speed" wasn't an option. As a result, the days go by much faster. I was warned by fellow settlers that if we move too fast, our party is more likely to get sick and die. But hey, that's why I had four kids, not two.
We have plenty of food so I resisted the urge to go hunting. Got to keep moving
So far, so good.
Day 6: February 26, 1848
Joe fell off the wagon today. He hit the booze bottle again. Just kidding. He literally fell off the wagon and broke his arm. What a retard. Good thing I'm a doctor. Oh wait I picked carpenter.
Joe's accident gave me time to go hunting. YES! I bagged five buffalo, three deer, an eagle, and sixteen squirrels. I brought back a hundred pounds of meat. Some might say it was a waste to kill all those animals since I can only carry one hundred pounds, but animals are a renewable resource and I was bored. Mooooving on.
Day 8: February 28, 1848
Duffy got dysentery. Bummer it wasn't Dysentery. I increased the rations and slowed the pace a little. This will give my pussy children time to heal.
My ammunition was a little low so I traded in a couple wagon axels for bullets. I noticed our food was down to only 122 pounds. Didn't want to end up like the Donner party (too soon?) so I went hunting again. I swear the animals are so stupid around here they just walk across the horizon and let you shoot them. Bagged three buffalo, a few deer, and twenty squirrels this time. Brought back a hundred pounds of food again, which is something like a quarter of a buffalo or two deer.
Day 10: March 2, 1848
We got robbed last night! Robbed I tells ya! Apparently I can only use this rifle for killing animals and not protecting my family. We lost 56 pounds of food, three wagon axels, a wagon wheel, and an ox. They took a fucking ox. Joe showed me a picture of the thief leaving the scene that he apparently took instead of notifying me that we were being robbed. I swear if I could trade that kid for bullets, I would.
Day 13: March 5, 1848
I love the fact my rifle is semi automatic and never has to reload! I'm pretty sure I own the only model that can do this in 1848. Kill count was thirty today.
Well, Joe died today of a broken arm. What a moron. Darwin strikes again. But that leaves the five of us, and Duffy still has dysentery.
Day 14: March 6, 1848
We hit a river today and I had to make a big decision. I could take a ferry, which costs money and time, try to ford it, or caulk the wagon and float it. Apparently we've been driving one of the Boston duck boats this whole time if you can actually float this thing across the river.
Well we tried to float it and lost about half of our supplies. I guess I'm not much of a MacGyver after all. Lesson learned: wagons are not boats.
Day 16: March 8, 1848
Well, Duffy actually recovered, but Katie got a fever. We stopped at a fort and picked up supplies. I'm noticing the stores and forts around here have a very limited selection. Limited in that you can only purchase food, wagon wheels, wagon axels, clothes, and oxen. I can't imagine locals come down here every morning to grab the paper and an ox with breakfast.
Our meat spoiled and turned green today. We lost about 300 pounds of it. I guess Katie was right when she said you can't just dump salt all over meat and expect it to keep for a month. I told her I was going to pull a Donner party and pour salt all over her. She didn't laugh.
Day 18: March 10, 1848
The oxen apparently needed to eat more. They looked pretty skinny today and I guess it's bad to feed them spoiled meat. It's winter, so I'm not really sure what I can do about this. I set the wagon pace to grueling again.
Katie got better! We're two for three in terms of people getting sick and recovering.
Then we found berries somehow! All in all I'd say it was a good day, especially considering we found a berry bush in the dead of winter.
Day 20: March 12, 1848
An ox died today. May have been bad berries, which is why I just let my family and the oxen eat all of them. But I needed a new ox so I had to trade in a bunch of money and supplies. Those things are uber expensive.
Dysentery got typhoid fever. An old Indian woman suggested we stop the wagon and rest for a few days. I suggested she stop telling me how to run my family. I upped the pace to grueling again and lowered the food rations. We've got an obscure state to get to pronto.
Day 24: March 16, 1848
We found an abandoned wagon and I scored a couple axels, a wheel, and some food. The fact that we found an abandoned wagon with perfectly good supplies still left in it did not make me nervous in the least. I hope we don't run into any abandoned bodies.
Day 30: March 22, 1848
I know I haven't written in a while. To be honest, I took a six day nap. Unfortunately you can't pause this trip. I had left the wagon on a grueling pace with small rations and almost no food. When I woke up, Will, Katie, and an ox had died of cholera, typhoid fever, and bad water, respectively. It's just me and Duffy now. Wait, as I'm writing this Duffy has just contracted dysentery. Groooan.
Day 33: March 25, 1848
My kids, my wife, and all but one of my oxen have died. It's been over a month now but the snow's melting and my spirit's high. I don't have to share my food with anyone now so my rations are filling. When I get to Oregon, I'm going to start a new life with a younger, hotter wife, and have a great big farm.
I can picture it, years and years from now, when Oregon is considered the greatest place to live in America. Even after the rest of the West is settled, everyone will want to go to great, wide open, bountiful Oregon. My descendents will be some of the wealthiest landowners in the whole country because of this great state. But for now, I'm going to stop writing and decimate some buffalo before lunch.