A lot of my friends take alcoholism very seriously, but it's more of a Christmas and Easter thing for me.
-John O'Connor
I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.
-Andrew Roth
If funerals were like college parties
How did I know the deceased? I didn't, but one of my friends did and said there would be free beer.
-Hillary Fink
TI just invented a new cocktail combining my two favorite drinks:a sex on the beach and a Manhattan. It's called a Sex and the City.
-Shawn Pearlman
"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.
-Adam Newman
The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.
-Tom Sunnergren
My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012 I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.
-Kevin Corrigan
If funerals were like college parties
They say Hillary is the candidate of beer drinkers and Obama is the candidate of wine drinkers. I like both candidates a lot. I can't remember why.
-Tom Sunnergren