Dear Parent,

Welcome to Facebook! After hearing newscasters talk incessantly about this brand new technology that the rest of us have known about since 2005, you've finally decided to suck it up and join. It will be very useful as you reunite with old friends, discover new entertainment options, and creep the hell out of your children. Seriously, why the hell are you on this?

To help, I thought I'd explain a few features that you could easily figure out yourself if you weren't distracted by re-runs of Matlock.

Your Information:
Here is where you put up optional information about yourself, and then later complain that everyone knows that information. I recommend starting with your phone number, so you can complain when people call you.

Your Pictures:

You're supposed to post plenty of pictures of yourself if you're hot. If you're ugly, you're supposed to post pictures of things you like, and one or two of yourself at a strange angle where you look like you could be hot if someone squints. But you're old, so that "if you're hot" thing isn't an option.

Tagging Pictures:
Facebook allows you to identify when your friends are in a picture you took. This is a great way to let people know when you post a group picture of them, and for people to see what ugly people really look like when someone else tags them. It also lets people tag a picture of cartoons and say their friends are certain characters in it, thus offending at least half of them.

News Feed:
This is what you joined for " stalking your children. This will provide you knowledge of everything all your friends do. That will help stalk your children, since they are the only people you know young enough to legitimately have a Facebook.

Poking:
Poking is done by people too uncreative to say complicated things like "hello." DO NOT engage someone in a poke war. It will escalate, someone will eventually use nuclear weapons, and we will all die.  

Event Invitations:
If you're hosting an event, this is a great way to invite all your friends with no regard to whether or not they can attend or if you actually want them there. I recommend you use it for your bridge games, PTA meetings, and eventual post-divorce orgy.

Groups:
Want to feel like you belong? Then join a group of like-minded people. Until the creator sends way too many emails. Then leave.

Applications:
There are useful applications, and there are also contests between vampires and werewolves. If you have a teenage daughter, you should try the vampire stuff so you can understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight. (Note: You will never understand why she's so obsessed with Twilight).

Fan Pages:
This is a way that people can show their public support for things they enjoy. You will probably become a fan of Larry King, Neil Diamond, and embarrassing your children by being on Facebook. Seriously, what the fuck?