Welcome to Facebook! After hearing newscasters talk incessantly about this brand new technology that the rest of us have known about since 2005, you've finally decided to suck it up and join. It will be very useful as you reunite with old friends, discover new entertainment options, and creep the hell out of your children. Seriously, why the hell are you on this?
To help, I thought I'd explain a few features that you could easily figure out yourself if you weren't distracted by re-runs of Matlock.
Here is where you put up optional information about yourself, and then later complain that everyone knows that information. I recommend starting with your phone number, so you can complain when people call you.