To: ALL STAFF
It has come to my attention that worker productivity in this office has taken a significant dip in the past few weeks. I know business has been slow due to the troubled economy, but we must continue business as usual.
I don't want to name any names, but some employees are slacking more than normal. Sheldon Fischer in Accounting, for example, has been spotted in the lunchroom several times over the last week talking incessantly about his new haircut. Surely company time can be better spent.
I mean, every other thing out of your mouth is haircut-related! You've been regaling everyone with long-winded and whimsical prostrations about your hair "capturing your mysterious side" or that with the right product in your hair you "kind of look like Prince." We've had enough. There are other more important things to worry about. No one wants to hear how your natural wave is a result of your Italian ancestry. We have business to do.
These are tough economic times and we need all cylinders firing if we want to stay afloat. People have a lot less cash so it's going to get harder to convince them to spend money on themselves, but that's the business we're in. If we spend more time working and less time "considering a perm" this company will succeed. I really don't give a shit if it looks like your hairline is actually advancing! We have a company to run.
This morning I surveyed everyone around the office to see what they really thought about your haircut, and guess what? The results weren't good, pretty boy. Half of everyone I spoke to didn't even know who you were! Not exactly the lasting impression your stylist was hoping for, is it, Fischer?
Now I want everyone to get back out there and start making some real sales. Membership is down slightly, but I know you are a strong team. Let's show everyone we are the best regional office of Hair Club for Men ever!
Hair Club for Men