Like many other college students I won't have a job upon graduation, so I've been doing alot of research on becoming a superhero.

Sure, there's no health insurance, but I figure it's the one recession-proof industry out there (other than porn).

I don't have any powers or bodily mutations (apparently that's also a pre-qualification for porn), in fact I don't even know any magic tricks, unless you count making resumes disappear into thin air.

So, I did what all aspiring but untalented superheroes do: I looked into Rings of Power. It seemed easy enough, I would wear the ring and then I would kick some ass with the ring.

However I found that Rings of Power aren't really all they are cracked up to be – in fact the 4 I found on Craigslist seem to have some pretty steep downsides:

The One Ring
Wearer: Frodo from Lord of the Rings



Sliding this ring on turns you invisible, which is awesome because you can then sneak into the female elf changing room. However, it also alerts the Ring Wraiths to your whereabouts, who will most likely blow your cover when they come shrieking in on hell-dragons to kill you. Think of it as Google Latitude on steroids. 
And if that's not bad enough, it makes you go insane and age like Amy Winehouse  … er … Gollum.

The Power Ring
Wearer: The Green Lantern from DC Comics


With this ring you can do anything – that's right ANYTHING! Except that 'anything' is limited to your willpower, and since you are reading this article instead of finishing your thesis I think that you may end up using this ring to make alot of Ramen and Hot Pockets.
Oh yeah, also none of your ring powers will work on anything that is the color yellow. No, I don't get it either, but it looks like there won't be cheese in that hot pocket.

Heart Ring
The native kid from Captain Planet


While this kid's friends' magic rings are alright – summoning the power of earth, wind and fire (No, the elements, although the band may have been cooler) -somehow the Indian kid got a ring with the power of 'heart.' 
I'm pretty sure you want to stop bullets with an organ other than your heart, even if it's your kidney or something.
And I know there were 42 attempts to assasinate Hitler but I'm pretty sure blasting him with a briefcase full of love was not one of them.
The only other thing this ring could do was help to summon Captain Planet, who was a flying, blue-skinned, green mulleted, tree hugger wearing nut huggers and a tube top. I don't know about you but I think I'll swap for the Kidney Ring.

Weddding Ring
Wearer: George Costanza from Seinfeld


Supposedly a wedding ring has the power to make single women want to have sex with you. According to George, if single women believe some other woman could stand you enough to marry you, then they'd want to have sex with you too. Pure George genius!
The downside however is that this ring's powers are tied to the existence of just one woman - your wife - who does not want to have sex with you. And most of the time you do not want to have sex with her either. Which makes this ring's real power preventing you from having sex – which, when you think about it, isn't all that different from wearing Lord of the Rings paraphanalia after all. 
However, good luck affording one of these as gold-digging girlfriends keep these as the true 'one ring to rule them all.'

In summary:
I gave up on rings and started looking into bracelets. Supposedly Wonder Woman has some bracelets that make you tell the truth or something but I haven't got past having to wearing knee-high boots and an American flag wrestling singlet to figure out what I could do with those.


Suddenly 'hockey pants' don't seem so ridiculous after all.