Alcohol is a beautiful chemical. It makes you stronger, turns you into a comedian, and some scientists theorize it binds to the "slut" gene in girls' brains, forcing them to tongue-kiss while you watch. When you wake up the next morning you realize the funniest thing you did last night was throw up in your hat and those tongue-kissing co-eds were big enough to crush your bones in a bone-crushing contest. Obviously there's room for improvement, so let the inane inventing begin!
A Beer-Tossing Fridge
Here's an invention that can be your favorite appliance and crack your skull at the same time. It's a modded mini-fridge that launches beer cans 20 feet into the air. Early prototypes dented walls and broke TVs, but the finely crafted finished machine accomplishes its goal with gusto, tossing you a cold one while you relax on the couch in a way that would make Rick Moranis proud.
Huski Beverage Chiller
Some guy named Kent Hodgson invented a little pen-sized device that can cool your brew in seconds. You just drop it in your beer and start drinking. Here's what the nerd has to say about it: "You have plastic cooling cells which are pressed down into the dock which houses the liquid carbon dioxide. The liquid CO2 expands and is pressurized into dry ice in the base of the cooling cells in a moment. You then pop it into your drink and then proceed from there as you normally would."
If you're not into science talk, he's basically saying it's a cold dildo-like cartridge that's going to awkwardly enter your mouth every time you take a sip. Is a cold beer really worth the emasculating process of tonguing tubes like an eager freshman girl? Good idea Hodgson, but maybe you should make it a little wider. We're anxiously awaiting Huski 2: The Chodeinator.
Asahi Beer Robot
The Asahi beer robot takes a good idea and turns it into something complex and time consuming. It's a robot with big eyes that pours you a beer like an asshole. It gets foam all over the place and has a voice like a small Asian child. Basically, you want to punch it in the fucking face, but you shouldn't, because it costs a shitload of money. It's so slow with such a simple task you could probably shotgun three beers by the time it pours you a single foamy glass of Asahi.
Beer On A Stick
Beer On A Stick is an ingenious invention created by Teuber Enterprises, LLC. It's one part beer, one part stick, and all parts Beer On A Stick. Science tells us that when you hold a beer in your hand, the beer's temperature rises while your hand's temperature cools. Solution? Put it on a fucking stick. Teuber Enterprises' timeless catchphrase lets us know: "It's how you hold that keeps it cold!"
Here's another invention that doesn't quite get the concept of chilling beer. It's an exercise machine hooked up to two copper coils and a heat pump that conserves energy via human inertia. One coil turns things hot and the other turns things cold. We shouldn't have to mention it was invented by a hippy with flecks of food in his beard. This unwashed genius didn't label the two coils, so if you're high enough you might accidentally end up with a beer that scalds your face. Thanks, man! Can we buy some pot off you?