Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Why It's Good That My Favorite Childhood Movies Aren't Real
April 6, 2009
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
: the Oompa Loompas.
There is no way that Oompa Loompas will ever not be scary. They somersault around, making chocolate and improvising songs whenever a candy-loving child meets an untimely death. I shudder to think of what would happen to the sweet-toothed people of the world if the Oompa Loompas were to escape the confines of the chocolate factory. There are no female Oompa Loompas, so these creatures apparently have some mystical way of reproducing
sex. And how are they always clean? They work in a chocolate factory, and their white overalls are never stained. How is that even possible? I thank God every day that Oompa Loompas are fictional. As far as I know.
The Lion King
: talking lions.
Those lions could plot, reason, attack, usurp, and reenact Hamlet within an hour and a half. Humans wouldn't stand a chance.
Beauty and the Beast
: the French.
Despite France's reputation regarding its competency in battle (and the fact that these particular Frenchmen were defeated by a bunch of moving furniture), there is no way in hell that a mob of torch-wielding peasants capable of spontaneously bursting into song isn't scary. Anyone marching at you with a pitchfork is bad news, and being French didn't help.
: the velociraptors.
The T-Rex may have been the badass of the movie, but there was only one of her. There were a bunch of raptors. Yes, they were smaller than the T-Rex, but they were way smarter. The raptors could open doors, navigate stairs without falling, and kill Samuel L. Jackson. Most
can't do all of those on their own. Yes, two kids may have successfully evaded the raptors, but kids can't be graphically eaten in a PG-13 movie. If Mace Windu could be killed, the other adults of the world wouldn't stand a chance.
: the job.
Josh got to test toys out all day long. And get paid for it. If
was real, I would just feel bad about myself. Granted, there would be no orange midgets or talking lions out to get me and sing songs about it, but college would be such a let down if I knew that I could be making a living as a toy-tester.
Man vs. Cross-dressing Man.
If I ever lived in a world in which a cross-dressing Robin "Genie" Williams could pull the hood ornament off of Pierce "Bond, James Bond" Brosnan's Mercedes without getting his ass kicked, I might have to kill myself. Robin would be on his knees, shaking martinis for the rest of his life if he actually pulled a stunt like that. And honestly, if there is ever a time in which Robin Williams would be conceivably chosen by a woman when Pierce Brosnan was an option, I think that I might die a little bit inside anyway.
I don't know why they let kids watch this kind of stuff.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.