The scene opens on an idyllic suburban campus. Leaves are green and birds are chirping. On a vibrant quad, a casually dressed Frankenstein is standing in front of half a dozen or so high school seniors. In the distance, two zombies are playing Ultimate Frisbee.


Frankenstein: The food? Uh, you know, it's edible. You get used to it. That's not to say I don't need a home cooked meal every now and then, you know what I mean?

The joke elicits a nervous laugh from the group.

Frankenstein: So any other questions about this area? (pause) Okay, so now I'm going to take you down U of B's famous Greek row. Now, don't get too excited, it's only two in the afternoon. There aren't going to be any ragers going on today.

Frankenstein begins walking backwards; the group eagerly follows. As he walks, he waves and calls greetings to various other monsters around campus. Soon, he reaches a street full of large Victorian houses adorned with Greek letters and lush lawns. In one driveway, two vampires in backwards baseball caps are playing football underneath a pop-tent.

Frankenstein: This is Delta Nu, also known as the 'Nu. It's not specifically for vampires, but they tend not to let werewolves in, just as a – yes?

One prospective student has raised her hand.

Teen #1: I was just wondering, do you need to be a monster before you come here, or does that happen at orientation or…?

Frankenstein: Great question, so glad someone finally asked that. Obviously we do not discriminate in our admissions here at U of B, but it is suggested that you become a monster before you come to campus in the fall. There should be a packet on monsterification in your folders. If you cannot afford monsterification, U of B may be able to offset some of the cost. If you are not a monster on your first day, all the sororities and frats have turning booths during Welcome Week.

Another student has been thumbing through the folder emblazoned with the U of B logo – a golden coat of arms with a mummy on one side and a bat on the other. He raises his hand.

Teen #2: Yeah, it's just that it looks like most of these monster – monster –

Frankenstein: Monsterification.

Teen #2: Yeah, these processes all seem to involve biting or some kind of dismemberment and I was just wondering if that was really necessary… Like, can I just dress like a zombie? Do I have to get my brain eaten?

Frankenstein: (bullshitting) Well, monsterification isn't easy, but it's worth it. Think about it. One bite and you have friends for the rest of your life. U of B isn't just a college, it's a community, it's…an experience. And if you don't want to partake in that experience, you may as well leave.

The group of high-schoolers shuffles for a few moments; when the commotion stops, there is but one serene girl.

Frankenstein: (miffed) Well. Shows what they know. What are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be off cavorting with your stupid human friends?

Teen #3: Yeah, this is the only school I got into, so.

Frankenstein: Oh.

Teen #3: Yep.

There is silence; it is awkward.

Frankenstein: So, as I was saying, most of the werewolves join Phi Beta Pi, which is on the other end of the street.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon passes by Frankenstein and the new student, as the camera pans out to show University of Boo's lively campus.

The End.