Happy April Fools day, everyone! The one day a year where it's totally okay to be a full-on a**hole. Well, besides New Years of course. And St. Patrick's Day. Halloween. National Guido Day?
Enough with the nonsense!
This week, Tom Brady's new wife Gisele Bundchen called the child Tom has with ex-girlfriend actress Bridget Moynahan '100% mine.' Ooo, awkward. That's not really how this whole 'having a child' thing works. Seen The Hand That Rocks The Cradle much? (Celebslam)
Remember that new Maserati Lindsay Lohan was driving around last week? Turns out it was lent to her by a porn producer. You know, just for fun. Because that's the only motive behind anything a porn producer ever does. (Celebslam)
So this isn't really gossip, but this week Cheetos introduced to the world their new Giant Cheetos, which are Cheeto puffs the size of 'ping pong balls'. WHAT. How many come in a snack bag, two? Has the whole world gone insane?! Also, I'll take one million, please. (DListed)
Madonna is having a hard time with her second Malawian adoption, as the locals have dubbed her a 'baby robber' and a 'bully'. Unrelated, the President of Malawi was recently found shoved into a locker with what authorities are calling an 'atomic wedgie'. (WWTDD)
Does it count as a nip slip if a girl has such a raging nip boner that it looks like it could bust through her bikini like the hulk at any moment? No? Ok FINE, I guess we're stuck with Lindsay Lohan's actual nip slip. Bo-ring. (WWTDD, Egotastic)
Cleave of the week? Christina Aguilera put up a good fight, but who can compete with Tila Tequila when she goes all Flasher on the paparazzi. The amount of attention Tila Tequila requires per day could power a third world country for decades. (WWTDD, IDLYITW)
This week, Sacha Baron Cohen's much anticipated followup to Borat, Bruno, was rated NC17 by the MPAA. Unfortunately, the studio behind the film, Universal, refuses to release the movie with this rating, which means the imminent nonstop Bruno impressions have to wait a little longer. (DListed)
This week's WTF Award (sounds like it should be a thing, right?) goes to Beyonce, whose tour pictures look like a bad mushroom trip come to life. Yellow man-robots FTW! (DListed)
Scarlett Johansson is in a new ad campaign for champagne this week, and whoever styled this photoshoot should be shot. Who hires Scarlett Johansson for an ad campaign and covers her boobs? Isn't that the whole point? (Hollywood Tuna)
Holy crap, ShamWow dude looks ROUGH. This week, mug shots leaked from an incident in February between ShamWow dude and (gasp!) a prostitute, in which the prostitute bit ShamWow's tongue and he punched her in the face until she let go. Because that seems totally normal. (Celebslam)
This week, Dina Lohan and her daughers Lindsay (22) and Ali (15) were denied access to LA club Villa because of Ali's age. Apparently even looking old doesn't help when your only ID is a learner's permit. Stupid laws. (IDLYITW)
Jessica Biel's new movie Powder Blue, in which she plays a stripper, is getting a lot of buzz because, well, duh. This week Access Hollywood gives us a behind the scenes look at her new moves. I don't know anything about the plot, but I think it's safe to say this movie will do just fine. (Egotastic)
And last but not least, this week's Still Got It. Fergie's receding part-line made a strong play for the title, but didn't she just win like a week ago? So instead this week I'll give it to Valentino, whose gorgeous bronze skin goes to his jawline and absolutely no further. Thanks for keeping it natural, Valentino! (Hollywood Tuna, DListed)