For the past four years I have been attending the University of Akron in Akron, OH. During my tenure, I have encountered our Capital One Mascot of the Year award winning mascot, Zippy the Kangaroo, on numerous occasions. Something has always seemed a little off about Zippy, but I could never quite place my finger on it. However, a few days ago, I finally realized what had been bothering me for all these years: I don't think Zippy is a real kangaroo at all, I think he's just a guy in a kangaroo costume!


Need some proof? Well, think about it. He doesn't hop around like a real kangaroo, rather, he walks and dances… exactly like a guy in a kangaroo costume would! Need more proof? Look at a picture of a kangaroo and then look at a picture of Zippy. The kangaroo is naked, but Zippy is wearing clothes… just like a guy in a kangaroo costume would!


Other people have agreed with my hypothesis. When I told my friend Dave, he was all like, "Holy fucking shit! You're right, man; he does seem like a guy in a kangaroo costume!"


I looked further into this issue and discovered that this isn't something that's isolated to Akron, I think they're doing it at colleges all around the country! Think about it. Take Florida's gator for example. He doesn't hang out in a swamp like real gators do, he hangs out at sporting events… just like a guy in a gator costume would!
     
What do these colleges think they're doing trying to trick people like this? Mr. Met would be pissed if he knew the damage that college teams are doing to the good names of mascots elsewhere.


This also made me wonder something else: if colleges are lying about this, what else are they lying about? Was it not actually necessary for me to learn philosophy in order to prepare myself to succeed after graduation? Is it possible that my calculus book didn't need to cost $160? Do bounce shots not count as two? My mind is blown and I don't know what's real anymore!


Sorry, I lost my cool for a second there, but I'm OK now. Anyways, you're probably asking yourself, "What should I do in the aftermath of such a startling revelation? Should I abandon my school spirit?" No. What you should do is just accept it and move on. This is just one example of a lesson that everyone must learn: don't take everything you see for its face value, because, even though it may seem to be one thing, it might actually be some guy in a kangaroo costume.