9:00 A.M – I take a shit that causes me to be five minutes late for my 9:30 class… I drove.

2:50 P.M – I take a shit, similar to, "The Niner," that almost makes me late for a 3:30 meeting.

5:30 P.M – I refuse to take a shit before my 6 P.M class, I knew what was coming and decide to wait until my class ends at 8 to do my business.

5:55 – The pressure in my abdomen is unbearable. I lie to the teacher claiming a family emergency, leaving before class even starts.

5:56 – I walk to my car, fearful that gas will not be the only thing coming from my rectum if I relieve the pressure.

5:57 – I am now in my car making a left out of the parking lot, a left at the light, another left. God loves me, the lights are all green.

5:59 – I come to a cross walk and have the perfect amount of time to go before the student crosses my path. I come to another cross walk… There is a girl crossing. I contemplate running her ass over.

6:00 – I politely refrain.

6:05 – I make the rest of the trip… the lights are green.

6:07 – The last light has a line, the light turns yellow, I gun it.

6:09 – I walk to the building, ass clenched.

6:10 – The elevator is on the ground floor, god still loves me.

6:11 – I fight the pressure in my abdomen. I am convinced I will now shit myself right then and there in the elevator. The floor chimes. I run, amazingly, down the hall and unlock my door.

6:11 – I open the door yelling, "OH SHIT!" to my roommate, who I had informed of my situation.

6:12 – I run to the bathroom. After what seemed like an eternity to unbutton my pants, (I honestly can't say why I even bothered), I pull them down and take my throne.

6:15 – Actual text to my roommate – "Explosive."

6:20 – Actual text – "Throw a marker in here and I will publish my atrophy."/p>

6:22 – Actual text – "Courtesy Flush… I believe the first wave is over."



I took a shower after my episode. I exit the bathroom and tell my roommate to read what I wrote on the Shit Board. He reads the text, giggling like a school girl the entire way through. He begins to shave his head (He is in NROTC), laughing the entire time.

"What did you eat!?"

"I honestly don't know. But I don't think I want any more Tex-Mex."

I knock on the second door of the bathroom, summoning our other roommate. He reads.

"That is the most disgusting thing ever."

Later, my roommate admits that he has been shitting just a little bit more after having one piece of Tex-Mex three days ago. "It's not over. I had one piece and you had, (looks at the container), OH MY GOD! YOU'RE FUCKED!"

Quote of the Day

                My roommate, before taking a shower: "I think I need to take a shit!"




*I misused the word atrophy, but if you were in my situation, you would understand completely.

*The shit board is a dry erase board I put next to the toilet. Normally it is divided into four parts for the four men who share the bathroom. However in order to transcribe the day's events entirely, I was forced to use the whole board.