Today, I saw an American man. FML

Today, I bought a beret. It was too small for my enourmous ego. FML

Today, I learned to read and found out the cigarettes I smoke will kill me. My doctor has given me 3 months to live. I will be dead before I reach the first grade. FML

Today, my wife wore a maid costume to bed. I told her I wasn't really in the mood. She told me she was just too tired to change after work. FML

Today, I discovered that the Mona Lisa, the pillar of French Renasissance accomplishment, was painted by an Italian. FML

Today, I bought a poodle at the store. I got home and realized it's not purebred. My 400 euro poodle is half American. FML

Today, I found a frog in the park. Without my frying pan, I starved for hours. FML

Today, I was with a really cute girl. Things got heavy and she took her shirt off. My armpits were hairer than hers. FML

Today, I got into a car accident and the hospital staff took an hour break as soon as I got to the emergency room. They wouldn't give me a smoke. FML

Today, I joined the army as a last resort for income. After accidentally killing everyone in the barracks with a grenade, my commander told me not to feel so bad, it's pretty common. FML

Today, I put my hand inside my coat to get my wallet and a tourist took a picture of me. I reminded him of Napoleon. FML

Today, I chugged a glass of wine racing an Englishman with a pint of Guinness. He had time to finish the beer, break the glass, eat the pieces and score a goal in the World Cup before I could raise my pinky. FML