Listen, James, Monica, I know we haven't gotten off to the best start in the entire world hehe. But… I mean…what I'm trying to say is…ok elephant in the room, I married your mom. I completely understand what you guys are going through. You aren't used to sharing your mom with anyone else. James, I'm sure you like being the only man in your mom's life, and that is totally fine. And Monica, I can understand how It might feel as though I'm taking away your best friend by marrying your mom. But let's just get one thing straight, you do not have to call me "dad". Just plain old "Steve" is fine.
I mean I remember what it was like with y step-dad Mark. Let's see now I was about your age, Mark about ten or so, wait you are ten right? Ok, phew! Just making sure. Because you know how sometimes, I…can…anyways. When my step-dad married my mom, I did not like him at all hehe! I used to play tricks on him even! Boy, were those some whacky days. One time I even accused him of statutory rape just to get him out of the house for a week. But that's beside the point. The point is that eventually we found something in common-baseball. Yup, we would play lots of baseball, we'd go to games it was great. What sorts of things do you guys like. Monica I mean I know there might not be a lot in common for an old 46-year-old fart like me and a junior in high school. What? You're only a freshman? Well you have certainly developed. It's a beautiful thing, the human body. The way it changes young girls into fine, well developed, supple, women such as yourself…
I mean…I'm sorry that was inappropriate of me. Don't tell your mom ok? Guys I'm serious. Please. I told her I didn't have those urges anymore. Seriously. Stop giggling. You guys you don't understand I love your mother more than anything. You cannot ruin this for me. What? You were joking? Haha hey that was a pretty good one you guys. You really had me going. You almost gave me a heart attack there. Okay, this is good we have what that step-parenting book called, lemme see if I can find the page here a report? Whoops I'm pronouncing that wrong it's called a rapport. Ok now lets build on our rapport. James I hear that you love music. Who is your favorite band? The Jonas Brothers? I've heard of them they sing that Burnin' Up song right? Yeah, okay that's good.
Monica I hear that you love musicals? What's your favorite? Get out of town! I actually was Kenicke in a community theatre production of Grease. What community? Umm…it was more of a facility. What kind of facility? It was a corr…corr…Coraline looks like a really good movie! Yeah that Tim Burton has done it again! What do you say we ditch your mom and have a bonding night? See it's not so bad at all! I'm actually kind of liking this aren't you guys? No? Come on guys. At least humor me a little. Ok it's fine you know what, this isn't on me this is on you guys.
The book says that you guys are using the defense mechanism known as…oh shit I lost the page. And it's not all right to swear by the way. Let's see, you are using displacement. Which of course means that you are redirecting your emotions to a substitutive target. So you need to take your anger about your father's death, and stop displacing them on me, mmk? And by the way your father is completely retarded for dying the way he did. It was pathetic really. Falling asleep at the wheel, I mean hasn't he ever heard of coffee?
I'm sorry that was really out of line. Let's just go in a new direction. Ok let's just lay down some ground rules. Ok so one, whenever you want to come in me and your mom's bedroom and the door is closed, just knock. I mean it's common courtesy and polite. Rule two, if you pick up the phone and someone asks for Mr. Cotter, that's me. I know my last name is Robinson, Monica. Well if you must know James, Cheezy was my nickname in the Joint-I mean that was my nickname in college and I have a lot from college that still call me and buy…Tupperware. So don't tell them they have the wrong number just take a message and get it to me. The third rule and the most important rule: NEVER EVER GO INTO STEVE'S TUPPERWARE DRAWER OR TELL YOUR MOM ABOUT STEVES TUPPERWARE DRAWER. Well Monica that's because in all honesty I'm not ready to leave my bachelorhood and selling Tupperware makes me feel young. I promised your mother that I would stop selling Tupperware and she said that the only way we could ever get married is if we stopped selling Tupperware and like I love your mom, but I REALLY love Tupperware, and if I was able to have both in my life that would be great!
You understand? Really? That went over really well. Okay! My work is done here! Now, who wants ice cream??!!