Here we are again, the end of the semester.  Considering you're reading this, chances are you are putting off studying for finals, writing a term-paper, or finishing your group project.  It's okay, many college students suffer from the inability to get any work done in a crunch.  That's why we have this nine-step program to getting your papers done at the library!  To learn how to study at the library, just replace every reference to writing a paper with, "check facebook!"

  1. Discover where the campus library is.  Chances are, you've never been there or only showed up one time because you were drunk and none of your friends would come pick you up.  Despite your fond memories, do not give in to your urge to sleep on a couch instead of working.
  2. Find a computer.  This could be hard, because of the huge quantity of people who come to the library just to check their facebook, myspace, or twitter for hours at a time.  These people are preventing you from getting work done and are your enemies!  Continue searching until you find an available computer that works.
  3. Check facebook, myspace, and/or twitter three or four times upon logging in.  If you don't have one of these networking profiles, seriously consider signing up for it now, as it will remove the temptation to do so later, when you are on a roll.  Open your e-mail so you know if anybody is trying to get ahold of you and update your facebook status so everybody knows you're working at the library.
  4. Open Microsoft Word or whatever other wanna-be program you type papers in.  Write your name, class, and other needed information, on a title page if you can get away with that.  You may need to look up the class online—if you do, take the opportunity to check your social networking sites again.
  5. Learn what your paper is about.  This may require you to look it up online or dig out a sheet of paper.  If you don't know and can't find it, ask everybody who might know on facebook.  Then call some people and be sure to talk obnoxiously loud, so if anybody in the immediate area knows the answer to your question, they may also help you.  Since you don't know what to write about, read some online comics.  Compulsively check your facebook…you know, in case anybody responded with the paper topic.
  6. Write the title.  As we all know, the title is the first part of the paper which is material-oriented.  Take the paper subject and take out the instruction part, then put it at the top of the page (or on the title page) underlined or italicized.  For example, if your assignment says, "Discuss the importance of the discovery of the Nag Hammadi Library on modern-day understanding of the early stages of Christianity.  Make sure to cite your sources and reference at least three of the books in the NHL," you will write The Nag Hammadi Library and Modern-Day Understanding of Early Christianity.
  7. Check out the girls/guys in the immediate area.  You may also want to daydream about talking to them, asking them out, etc.  Consider trying to talk to one near you and do so until he/she realizes you're staring, then hide yourself as best as you can, but still sneak a peak every once in a while.  Come up with reasons you, in reality, would never want to really know that person.  Decide you hate that person.  Post a facebook status about how you hate the people at the library.
  8. Write everything you know about the subject in paragraph form.  If you don't know anything, go ahead and do a little research.  The easiest way to do this is to go on facebook and ask everybody if they know anything about your subject.  It is important to be sure you haven't double spaced yet because this will allow you to believe you've written more than you have.
  9. Fill the rest with useless fluff.  Now is the time to double-space your paper and realize what you thought would be eight pages is really only four.  Take all of your quotations and make them longer, eliminate any elipses and insert the words instead.  Expand the character spacing between letters in the font option.  Find lines which end paragraphs that nearly fill an entire line and put in enough words to roll it over.  Eliminate big words if you can fill more space by putting lots of small words (e.g. remove "juxtaposed" and use instead "when viewed comparatively side-by-side…").  Be creative, and make sure to ask for help on facebook!
Now you're done with your paper.  Digital dropbox that shit or print it and turn it in.  Write about how happy you are to be done on your facebook profile.  Ignore the fact that you only met three out of five requirements and worked for six hours on a two hour max project.  You may even want to congratulate yourself with a couple beers—don't worry, there's a couch in the library you can crash on.