Summer camp is a favorite topic of movie and TV writers to set their stories. I mean, it's got it all: sexy lifeguards, easily-killed children and absentee police forces.  What's not to love?  Here are ten fictional summer camps you'll want to keep your fictional children away from. 


From Friday the 13th
Let's ignore the fact that Camp Crystal Lake refuses to close despite annual serial-killer attacks for a moment. Not that you should, as a parent, but even without a resident murderer, it isn't a safe place for children. Supervision at the camp is non-existent. Would you send your daughter to a brothel for the summer? Then why would you send her to a camp where the counselors spend all of their time skinny dipping and f*cking each other. That's exactly the kind of neglect that let little Jason Voorhees drown in Crystal Lake back in 1957. You can call Mrs. Voorhees a psychopath for coming back to kill counselors 23 years later, but wouldn't you want to do the same in her place?

Also, there are annual serial killer attacks.

Campers Murdered
: All of them

Camp Policies Reformed Due to Past Mistakes: Zero





From "South Park"
Though there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to teach children about tolerance using arts & crafts, it seems a tad excessive to intimidate by gunpoint and starve to the point of emaciation. This camp is disturbingly similar to Auschwitz, most notably because Adolf Hitler himself is the head counselor. As would be expected, he is not properly equipped to handle children.

Nazis: 38

Campers frightened so badly they hid in a port-a-potty and were subsequently defecated on: 2





From Meatballs

North Star wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for its inconvenient proximity to Camp Mohawk " a camp full of well-to-do teenagers. Campers will inevitably be subject to a veritable class war during the annual Olympiad events, when the two camps compete. This competition fills campers with the insane idea that the lower class can somehow compete with society's upper crust. It's believed that this camp can lead to smart talk, protesting, and going gay.

Brainwashing Inspirational Speeches:
1





From Space Camp
Everyone who goes to space camp dreams of actually going into outer space. But they shouldn't. They are not trained for outer space. For this reason, SpaceCamp really should take better precautions to make sure that their sentient robots do not go around launching teenagers into space without adequately supplying them with oxygen or a place to land. People can get hurt and valuable equipment can be damaged.

People injured: 1

People emotionally scarred: 6





From American Pie: Band Camp
Tall Oaks Band Camp is a band camp by name only. Filmed voyeurism, public nudity, and general widespread sexual activity are all par for the course at this retreat for supposed nerds. Even the most upstanding, virginal young women can be transformed into seasoned strumpets who have unnatural relationships with their trumpets. A flute is as likely to be played as shoved up an ass. An added side-effect of this perverse camp is that it makes all campers decidedly repetitious storytellers.

Jokes about instruments up someone's vagina: Too many to count





From The Addams Family Values
This camp's screening process is questionable at best. When the Addams children apply to enroll in your summer camp, and it looks like they really don't want to be there, chances are you should let them leave. With a lifestyle that seems at least mostly detached from reality, there is a good chance that forcing them to remain at Camp Chippewa will cause illogically timed Thanksgiving pageants to be ruined and children to be physically threatened.

Children locked up and tortured: 3

People rotisseried: 2





From "Salute Your Shorts"
There will always be more campers than counselors, but Camp Anawanna's staff is outnumbered 40 to 1. The one staff member they do have is incapable of even the simplest tasks, including properly applying sun-block. Additionally, the campers are anti-American deviants who salute boxer shorts. 

Shorts stolen and saluted: 30+





From Heavyweights
Wanting your overweight child to get healthy is fine, but subjecting them to starvation is not. New owner Tony Perkis' militaristic approach to weight loss is not only unhealthy, but demeaning and cruel. Worst of all, your children will eventually triumph over him without actually losing any weight. You'll find yourself asking, "Why the f*ck did I pay all that money for fat camp? My kid is still a fat piece of sh*t that no one will ever love."

Average Weight Lost By Campers: 0lbs

Twinkies stashed per day per camper: 6





From "The Simpsons"
Camp should be fun. At least a little. At the very least it shouldn't feel like work. Entertainer and entrepreneur Krusty the Clown, a living symbol of laughter, seems like the kind of person who would understand this. Unfortunately, through greed and bureaucracy, Kamp Krusty has become a shining example of bait and switch. The camp functions more as a sweat shop than a summer getaway. Campers are fed Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel and forced to make fake Gucci wallets at this gulag run by bullies. They worked campers so hard, in fact, that there was an uprising. Campers violently overthrew the camp and it's been operating as a tribe of feral youth ever since. Sounds fun, right?

Simpsons did it?: Yes





From Wet Hot American Summer
Camp Firewood has their own way of doing things. Some lifeguards would try to save a drowning child. At Camp Firewood they let them drown and throw witnesses out of a moving van. Some supervisors would send delusional, perverted Vietnam vets for counseling. At Camp Firewood they send them to the kitchen. Some camps would evacuate for a rogue piece of a space satellite falling to Earth. At Camp Firewood, they place the safety of everyone in the hands of a machine made of garbage and donuts. There is a right way and wrong way to do everything. The Camp Firewood way is not the right way for your child, not if you love them.

Campers dying under Paul Rudd's supervision: 3
Cans of corn fucked: 1