Keys made while you wait. Though not necessarily yours.

I thought of the only good Nicolas Cage movie the other day. It's a documentary in which Nicolas Cage is legally forbidden from making any more movies
-Chris Trusk
Buddhist Suicide Note
BRB, cruel world!
-Brendan Bell
I saw a t-shirt that said "raaaaaawr means 'I love you' in dinosaur." That can't be right, that's what my dinosaur said before she broke up with me.
-Samuel Center
Hay fever and disco fever are very similar. The only difference is with disco fever you're snorting cocaine not snot.
-Kenny Davis
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch'.
-Anony Mous
Optical illusions are psychedelic drugs for pussies.
-Harpreet C
Guy who still quotes "Wayne's World", but is at least trying to stay topical
"I once thought I had swine flu for an entire year…turns out I was just really bored."
-Adam Newman
I'm Going to Hell
I recently attended a ceremony in honor of purple heart recipients. I saw a wheelchair-bound marine there with two stubs for legs, and I thought "How tacky, he's wearing shorts."
-Mike South
A sign at the Los Angeles International Airport reads "LAX Security." That doesn't fill me with confidence.
If God exists, why do bad things happen to good people without me getting to watch and laugh?
-Patrick Cassels