The Story of Michael Jordan's Run-In with Steroids
A dark cloud is hanging over LooneyToon Land today. Reports of superstar Michael Jordan using performance enhancing drugs have circled, originating in LooneyToon Land. While fans of Jordan's are deeply distraught by this news, an inside source has been kind enough to provide us with all of the details.
"It was back in like November of ˜96, doc," the unknown source began, "we were playing a basketball game against aliens from another planet. Mike was having an off game, so at halftime…he just juiced up." When further investigated, we find that there is no technical term for the type of steroids Jordan was using, just a substance called ˜secret stuff'.
Another source had this to say, "Michael gave a great halftime thpeech, but we didn't think there wath any way to win thith game. That'th when Bugth…I mean one of the guyth on our team told the retht of uth about Mike'th Thecret Thtuff." He continued to explain how no one was sure how to react at first, but they figured that they would rather cheat in the game than be kidnapped and forced to work in an amusement park located on Moron Mountain.
A source who wished to remain anonymous submitted the following: "M-M-Mi-Mike never meant to hurt anyone. We just needed to w-w-w-wi-wi-beat the opponents. Mike wasn't the only one at fault here. We all took some st-st-st-st-ste-performance enhancing drugs.
Michael Jordan and his agent have completely denied these allegations. Bill Murray is nowhere to be found, but Newman from Seinfeld wasn't short of throwing anyone under the bus. "Yeah, Mike did it! Are you kidding? He went from 6 points and 2 rebounds in the first half to 57 points and 21 rebounds in the second half. I mean, I know this is LooneyToon Land and guys can just blow up like balloons and hit three pointers, but come on! How else do you explain stretching your arm from the foul line to the basket? He had to be on something."
One of the opponents in the game was also very suspicious. He said, "We was winning the whole game. We was the ones who originally cheated. We stole talents from some of the best guys in basketball. But, everyone was okay with that. I mean, we were the bad guys. What do you expect?"
As one would assume, the fans were hurt most by this. One fan was quoted in saying, "I believe I can fly? Yeah, right. More like I believe I can lie. We loved you Jordan!" A LooneyToon Land local resident said, "I took steroids and played…nobody said a thing. Of course people are lead on to assume that much when you are a Tasmanian Devil."
Jordan was playing baseball at the time of these allegations. One of his teammates responded to our questions with this, "Steroids? No. Not Mike. He did have a weird season though. Check it out; one time in we had to delay a game because Mike came in late on a spaceship. He went 5 for 5 in that game with 3 homers and 9 RBI's. Hmmmm…maybe he did do something different."
The ˜Secret Stuff' was sent to a laboratory in LooneyToon Land to be examined. The only response from Jordan's people was a simple: "In these sad times, it's important for everybody to get up it's time to slam now. We got a real jam goin' down. Welcome to the Space Jam. Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam." Michael Jordan's former fans are surely experiencing a Basketball Jones.